The Not So Much News

We've Moved!

2009-04-30T00:08:00.001-04:00

We've moved to a new site, redesigned for our glorious rebirth: http://thenotsomuchnews.blogspot.com!

Come on over for new videos, content and everything we brought you before.

Anand Ramakrishnan--New site, same stupid management.

No video this week.

2008-08-09T21:44:00.001-04:00

I know. I suck the balls. My bad.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - August 3, 2008

2008-08-03T11:57:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for August 3, 2008. I'm sorry I've been a large wad about this entire blog, but I'm choosing to focus more on the video side of things to prepare for the future. What does that mean? I don't know. I'll try to be more regular with this!

Yours,

Anand Ramakrishnan, Born on the 22nd of July.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - Bloopers!

2008-07-20T11:46:00.003-04:00

I screw up. A lot. Fortunately, I've caught most of it on camera for you all to see. Enjoy! And also, thank you to anyone who has been watching them up to this point. I appreciate that quite a bit.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute How-To Edition!

2008-07-13T13:40:00.003-04:00

You know, it's been twenty videos, so I suppose it's time to reveal how it is I do what I do. As you can guess, it's absolutely boring and there is nothing special about it. But I had fun making this how-to video! Enjoy. Also, next week will be the oh-so-hilarious blooper reel, so stay tuned!

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - July 6, 2008

2008-07-06T12:34:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, July 6, 2008. You'd be surprised how hard it is to get a new, better webcam to work. Still got some bugs to tweak, but I'm working on it. In the meantime, enjoy! Also, only two more weeks until my super special awesome bloopers video.

R-E-T-A-I-L

2008-06-29T21:34:00.005-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to present yet another amazing guest writer, Leanne McAdams. Her insights into the world of things that aren't really news is, to put a quality to it, fantastizzle. That's right, I just went there. Enjoy.

The world of retail is like Catholic high school; unfortunately, retail only reminds me of high school in the sense that it makes me remember the day when I tripped on the stairs when I was wearing a kilt, or when I got yelled at for having an inadequate calculator in math class or when I said ‘Oh my God’ and got a scolding from a teacher.

The only major difference in being employed in retail is that instead of facing the (often humiliating) scrutiny of your peers, you have customers speculating your hair colour (“oh, your roots look like they need to be re-touched, hon”), your skin tone (“do you ever get out in sun? It’s called a spray tan”), or your body type (well, you have a little bit more….around… than I do”).

But just as working in retail allows me to remember every embarrassing comment or moment I had in high school, it really reminds me that I face interesting people everyday who really just want to be happy with themselves, like in those Dove commercials. At least I think that’s the moral of the story. But I wasn’t looking for a moral…wow, brown goes so great with orange…

Anand: Brown goes good with anything. But do focus.

Oh, right! The point I’m making is that working in retail means getting involved with a cast of unpredictable characters, much like the crazy realm of high school.

Take Miss Shops A Lot, for example. You can go anywhere and see Miss Shops A Lot; she’s like an inferior Bette Midler with a one-woman show that plays seven days a week. Unfortunately, she doesn’t entertain you with “Wind Beneath My Wings”, but makes you run around to find her a smaller size. By the by, never suggest a bigger size. She buys everything and anything, and if it looks terrible—she considers it a fashion challenge. If you’re working in the store of her choice on that day, get ready for a shopping tornado; it’s an F5 every time. Yeah, that’s right, a Twister reference just happened. But on a more serious level, I’m jealous of her. It’s my dream to live off of my husband’s money, have 16 credit cards and shop day after day. Oh, the possibilities! At the very least, it’ll guarantee me a spot on Oprah for a show covering debt or divorce or shopaholics. It’s really a win-win.

Then comes the polar opposite to Miss Shops A Lot, one that we retail folk call The Repeat Offender. Although this type of shopper sounds like she carries some sort of crazy weaponry, she chooses to play it safe. Her weapon of choice: mind games with the red headed sales associate with a bad temper. She can get anyone to believe she’s interested in everything in the store simply because she tries everything on. But, oh no, she decides she wants a different size, or a different colour and by the time anyone can realize that she’s created Mount Everest in her dressing room, she’s walking out the door saying she’ll come back and try again tomorrow. She’s inspired the ‘book off every other day to retain sanity’ regime in retail. You can either deal with this type of shopper, or do what I do and yell ‘break time!’ and run (don’t walk, run) to the break room. It works, and it’s only got me fired twice.

Between Miss Shops A Lot and The Repeat Offender walks in a little someone I call The Sweet Talker. She’s the type of shopper every sales associate wants to be around, the kind we sit at the door waiting for. Not only does she makes me feel good about working in retail, but she makes me feel that like Mary Tyler Moore. Makes me feel as if I now believe I can make it after all. Even insults sound good coming from a shopper like this because she understands the concept of feelings. Oh, feelings. She might say something like ‘This top is really a disgusting shade…but it would look good with your hair colour.’ Oh… well, at least she says it nicely enough that it makes me think it’s true. Conviction: that’s what it’s really all about, right? Hey, it’s what makes my commission.

Now, of course, there are several other types of shoppers. Much like a dog, the breeds of shopper are pure and mixed to make hundreds and even thousands of types. But learning to deal with every kind takes patience and attention; and both are skills I’ve lost from watching too much TV as a child. So, the important thing is to keep some sort of dream alive on the side (even if your dream is only to one day win a pie eating contest) because working in retail is really a moot point. At least a pie eating contest will make you famous for a day.

Leanne McAdams, Senior "Thinks you can't fit inside it, but won't say anything until you stretch out the damn thing" Correspondent.

The Land of the Rich and Creamy

2008-06-23T13:17:00.006-04:00

The Not So Much News has taken a shine to the experiences of the traveler, namely the Europe-bound one. They share with us so many more hilarious experiences than we can get from our dull lives here. So, as a special to The Not So Much News, Caroline Maga shares with us her adventures in Europe. Today, foooooooood.

Never before have I detested tourists as much as when I was one. Usually, I find the tour buses on Yonge Street amusing. The couples posing in front of the St. Lawrence Market almost…cute, even. But this past May, I spent four weeks traveling France and Spain and the tourists I met there did nothing but irritate me. They were everywhere, clad in fanny-packs and white ankle socks, their cameras mere extensions of their own bodies. I couldn’t vocalize my disgust, of course, because to mock them would be to mock one of my own. But still, this was my first time in Europe! Why must they constantly crowd my photos? Why must they remind me how many people were here before me, and how many will come after? Why are they robbing me of my true, unique European experience?

Sight-seeing doesn’t mean seeing Europe, and I shouldn’t have been so surprised by that. But alas, I found a saviour. Something that gave me authenticity when the tourist traps wouldn’t.

Food. Food, food, glorious food.

The month of May was probably the best-fed month of my life, and I say that carefully. With every bite, I felt a little closer to this new culture I was exploring. Whether it was a freshly baked croissant from the bakery beside our hotel or fresh paella cooked up in Barcelona. I could taste the difference, as if the essence of another continent was baked into the dough or fried in the rice along with all the other ingredients.

So, food became my source of comfort, which is dangerous territory I realize, especially when I can’t be bothered to join my traveling companions on their daily morning run. And while I could write for days about each meal I enjoyed (which I made sure to describe in detail in my journal), here are a few daily necessities, with a few tips I found on how to best enjoy them:

Wine: Yes, a little obvious. But when you can get a bottle of good white for €1.60 (about $2.50 Canadian), a broke traveler develops a certain fondness of the beverage. But what’s even better than the price, better than the taste even, are the places you drink it in. Wine has this special ability to turn a picturesque moment into one to write home about. Sitting in a vineyard isn’t quite the same as sitting in a vineyard drinking wine, lying on the beach isn’t quite the same as drinking sangria by the beach, and so on. And you never know when you’ll need a glass to cap off the perfect European setting, so sometimes it helps to keep some on you. That may make me sound like a lush, but hey, I drank wine under the Arc de Triomphe at midnight because of it.

Cheese and Bread: The stereotype of French people’s diets consisting of cheese and baguettes is completely true, which makes me wonder how everyone is model-esque and beautiful, and not glaringly overweight. This also makes me jealous. There’s no real technique or tips to eating French cheese, just try it. A lot of it. Love it. And then exercise.

-- Editor's note: And by American, I mean North American. See comments. --

Gelato: My trip to Europe didn’t hold a lot of romance for me, but I did have a short-term relationship with a gelaterie in Nice. There are too many in any given city to count, so to spot the good ones look for 1. lineups and 2. odd flavours. This specific gelaterie (also known as my boyfriend) had flavours ranging from Grand Marnier and Nuttela to Black Olive and Cactus. In gelato dining, I suggest three things: Combinations (my favourite was cinnamon and white chocolate), guts to not play it safe (I wish I had tried the Tomato Basil), and multiple trips if it’s a hot day and your sweet tooth is acting up.

Caroline Maga, Senior Eating Abroad (don't make a joke, pigs) Correspondent.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 22, 2008

2008-06-22T12:18:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, June 22, 2008. That sitcom could very well be a reality in some alternate (and very Indian) universe, so stay tuned! Enjoy.

Football, by any other name...

2008-06-18T07:49:00.008-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to have our friend Alex back home safe and sound...and with his typing hands a workin'. Today, as a rabid fan who hasn't been vaccinated, he sheds some light on a very interesting part of a game that the whole world believes in.

Here is your date with history.

Euro Cup 08 is being played and newspapers around the world are recording what will soon be part of legend and folklore. As we are approaching the quarter finals stage, everything is getting more grandiose. From now on, every goal, every shot, every flick will be savoured and remembered as a glorious one--and also because mistakes are very rare at this stage. Other things will be remembered too. You could say they are the...uglier side of this beautiful world sport. But how ugly are they really?

There are many reasons why football (soccer) is regarded as "the beautiful game". Some reasons that come to mind are the athleticism, the irresistible goal scoring and the impressive techniques, to name a few. However, a lot of sports have that, so what sets this game apart? Well, in a word, my friends: Controversy. The beautiful game isn't beautiful only because it looks so, it is also because it feels so. No wonder an estimated one billion people tune in every four years for the World Cup final. There is a special connection that the public feels to the game, a human side, if you will. This side is brought on by the controversy. It fires people up and connects them to the game on a personal level. Thus explaining hooliganism, ultras, crazy soccer commentators, etc., etc., etc.

On this side of the Atlantic and on the north of the continent, we regard good sportsmanship, toughness and fairness as logical parts of a successful sport. This is not so in the rest of the world and to really embrace soccer you have to see how diving, trash-talking, shirt pulling, and simulating can be regarded as a functional, and not only entertaining, part of the game. No, that player isn't that hurt and yes, he did just get up and walk away with a smile. So what? Does that make him less of a man? No, that makes him frigging smart! He just got the other guy booked for something that wasn't even there. Get over it people.

Soccer is a game of flair, finesse and pick-pocketing the adversary--which are seen as a GOOD thing. After all, both parties can do it, so don't complain when it happens to your side because you probably deserved it! (England).

How is this possible may you ask? How can this be when the rules say otherwise? True, the rules talk about no diving and fair play. However, the sport is so old that technology is not integrated in it. You see, in the 1870s, they did not have the luxury of camera replay or stopwatches. So controversial refereeing decisions and added time became part of the game. In fact, they are so ingrained in it that changing this would, in the words of UEFA president Michel Platini, "ruin the game".

He's right. I will illustrate how this tweaking of the rules works with a very famous and special example.

Let's go back to 1986. This is a World Cup year and this time, the event is being held in Mexico. Coincidentally, the Falklands war had just wrapped up not too long ago. This was a war between England and Argentina where the death toll reached close to 1000 combined. Mostly Argentinians. This is also the year of Diego Maradona, widely regarded as one of, if not the greatest, player to ever grace the game.

In the quarter finals, Argentinians were set to face the heavily favored far more experiences English. The stage was set. Diego Maradona was stunning everyone. With his flair, he would glide through English players, only to be finally fouled and taken down by the last man. The game was tight and it didn't seem to be going anywhere until this moment.

Yes, he scored...with his hand! When asked in the press conference after the game: "How did you score that goal?" He slyly replied: "I guess I was helped by the hand of God". The name stuck. The goal was called "The Hand of God" (La mano de Dios).

That goal has significance that goes beyond the game. Argentina, as a whole, felt great about pick-pocketing the English in such a way, beating them at the game that they had exported to their country. Also, getting some sort of psychological revenge on them for the Falklands war. It was perfect. Nobody condemned Maradona for cheating, they just laughed and were entertained. The England-Argentina rivalry lives on to this day and every match they play is a high adrenaline affair. Matters were made worse by an equally legendary goal that followed the Hand of God.

(For those of you wondering what he says at the end, the commentator actually goes: "Thank you, God. Thank you for football, for Maradona. For these tears.")

Another thing to remember is that though diving happens, soccer is not a pansy sport. A high number of players get seriously injured all the time. These are all very powerful men with very powerful legs and diving is a way to keep things under control. Otherwise, we would see a wild karate affair. Remember the last World Cup final? Zidane headbutts Materazzi, but the ref does not see it happen. Materazzi's reaction was a bit exaggerated sure, but would Zidane have been sent off for his violent outburst had Materazzi not showcased his theatrical side a little bit? Probably not--and as it were, he almost wasn't sent off at all. So, you see, without camera replays, things could get really ugly out there. So perhaps its time we all just got over it. Diving is part of the game and its beautiful the way it is.

Alex, Senior Goaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll Correspondent.

Here's a twist: stop expecting one.

2008-06-17T21:53:00.007-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience like his editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way. Then you find out that Anand is Leonard...(cue eerie music). Oh, the irony.

As a person who has followed Manoj "Night" Shyamalan's work since the beginning, I find myself defending his movies against idiots who really don't realize certain things about this filmmaker. With the release of his new venture, the R-rated film "The Happening", Night deals with the same old arguments against his style of writing and directing.

Now, let's make something clear. Anand loves this guy because he's an Indian who's damn talented. I like him because he's just damn talented. The Academy sure thought so back in 2000 by nominating "The Sixth Sense" for six Oscars, including best director, best picture and best original screenplay.

Maybe it was that high of critical and box-office recognition that set his career bar at a strange peak. When a guy like that bursts into the scene, people expect that with every go. Hell, Tarantino faces it all the time. The real "error" in judgement that Night's films have made after "The Sixth Sense" is trying to market them as something that parallels it. Specifically, trying to market the "twist" ending as the only appeal.

"Unbreakable" was his next film, which I consider to be his best, for the silence and performances within that film were spectacular. The unique way of looking at the idea of superheroes in a very real context was masterfully executed, and the twist ending also served it well.

Note: The preceding was an opinion. The following just proves it: Go here.

But "Unbreakable" didn't do as well as "The Sixth Sense". Some attribute that to the supposed idea that people didn't feel the twist was as memorable. After that, "Signs" did well, but there was no twist in it. "The Village" bombed because people didn't feel the twist was enough. "Lady in the Water"...well, that was a personal project for him and I'll ignore it. And now, "The Happening" doesn't have a twist, either.

So where are we left on M. Night Shyamalan? How many un-twisty films does he have to make to prove to people that they should look at his style of directing rather than wait for the final ten minutes of his storyline? Might as well read the plot off Wikipedia, then. The other aspects of his filmmaking are near impeccable. When I first heard criticism for The Village, I was surprised. The music creeped me out. The story creeped me out. The pacing was incredible. Look, I know it's pointless to start telling people things, even if I have a point, but as usual, I'll make a plea. Start watching a film for everything, rather than the ending.

Oh, also, Anand wanted me to tell you people to learn how to pronounce his last name. It's not fucking impossible.

Leonard Fallson, Senior Shyamalan Correspondent.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 15, 2008

2008-06-15T14:28:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, June 15, 2008. Don't you hate when the weather seems to suck for the brief half an hour that you choose to shoot your video? I do. But hopefully, you enjoy it.

A Look Back and Forth

2008-06-12T15:53:00.006-04:00

The Not So Much News has recently crossed a not-so-memorable milestone. It is the 21st week since its inception. Including this, it has had 78 different posts in six short months, bringing the readers and watchers slices of comedy and news, with skewed views in off-hues. I, as self-titled "editor" of this blog felt it was necessary to both myself and anyone who might read this, to look back on it all as well as to look ahead. Don't let me worry you: This is not a farewell speech! I have much more left in me, and I will do all in my power (however imagined it may be) to bring you whatever this blog is.

Looking back, on that first article, written on January 17th, 2008 about the dismal future behind The Magic School Bus cast, I feel it was an admirable start. I sometimes go back to that article and wonder if the present ones hold up to its standard, or even surpass it. It is true that while some articles appear half-assed, neither qualifying for news or comedy, some are quite well thought-out--at least in my opinion.

So how does one go about writing an NSM "article"? (NSM is an informal nickname) I have asked some to do so, and they've delivered on several counts with hilarity. The first step: courage. That's all it takes. Here on the internet, a statement so simplistic, to publish one's work is incredibly simple. Even if one's work itself is not. The second step: Don't assume you have to be funny. In the handful of guest writers I've had for The Not So Much News--a work I feel should be about the inspiration to write, and the discipline to do so continually--all have had the guts to write something regardless of the consequences. They have worked with me, and for that I thank them.

The articles themselves can be as in-depth as you want them to be, really. They can rely on links. pictures, or my personal favourite: alliterative jokes in the writing. But really, they can be whatever you want, so long as you have the power to laugh at yourself by laughing at the world. As this is starting to sound preachy, I invite any and all interested to write for this blog to come forth. Practice having an opinion in word-form. No boundaries.

To myself, writing an article for NSM has never been difficult. I start with a basic, somewhat ridiculous idea, and just start writing. Occasionally, I'll plan it out--in the sense that I write down where and "who" needs to be interviewed. I don't need to tell you that all interviews are fake and most of the institutions I mention are also not real. With that kind of power of "credibility" at my disposal, it's easy to give human voices with ridiculous quotes to back up the insane theory an article proposes. And that's really part of the equation of an NSM article.

A main feature of NSM, that some would even call the flagship of the site, has been the videos. If any of you remember that first paper-shuffling, badly-lit time I tried it, you also know how far I've come since then. Sets have changed, jokes have improved--though some would say increasingly tastless, case in point: baby-selling. One thing that's still the same since the beginning is the old dinky webcam I use to shoot, resulting in the often poor quality of the videos. However, it also results in quick shooting and uploading times, which is better for continual use. Also, even though I've improved somewhat, I still sometimes take many angering takes to shoot it in full.

You'll all see that in July when I release the special Not So Much News: In a Minute - Blooper Reel. Let's just say Anand doesn't keep his cool in very strange ways.

So where is The Not So Much News going? TV, hopefully, in the fall. I will try as hard as I can not to shirk the duties towards the blog at that time, and will definitely keep it up for the rest of this summer. And remember, if you want to help, you're more than welcome to.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Editor-in-Chief

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 8, 2008

2008-06-08T15:46:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, June 8, 2008. To all you Hindus out there, this one's for you. Enjoy.

Everybody needs a man friend.

2008-06-08T00:55:00.006-04:00

Disclaimer: Major spoilers.

Ah Sex and the City, let me begin by saying it was worth the week of sleeping outside of a theatre, eating only leftover popcorn bits and yelling at all the Indiana Jones movie goers. But like any movie its not without its flaws. But flaws that we embrace, of course.

Truly great memories were made that night. Not only were these memories courtesy of the ladies who were falling down the theatre stairs because they had a few too many cosmos or the other women who screeched during the sex scenes (Didn’t you see the title of the movie when you bought your ticket?) but because of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha.

The Good

1. First things first, I might as well ruin the movie for you. Women who thought their big day would never come once they reach 40 finally have some hope. Yes, that’s right, Carrie does end up with Big.

Little did people know that the role of Charlotte (pictured above) was initially given to a banshee.

2. While three of the four ladies were often over-the-top (see: Charlotte’s constant wide-eyed expressions), Miranda was the most true to her character by being her usual cynical self. When Carrie says that meeting her husband Steve after their separation on the Brooklyn bridge is both “practical yet poetic,” Miranda replies, “Poetic if you both show up. Otherwise you’re on a bridge rejected.” Sing it, sister.

3. Samantha was the bad girl gone good who surprisingly had us cheering when she went bad again. What can we say, everyone loves a rebel. For Samantha, this movie was an opportunity for self-exploration. (Get it? Double meaning. Do you get it? Cause you should.)

The Bad

1. Only Big could get away with acting like a complete jerk over and over again (in the series and in the movie) and still have women rooting for him. Also we’d appreciate if his real name was never used again. (Was anyone else confused when Carrie called him ‘John’?)

2. Jennifer Hudson. Everything about Jennifer Hudson. So she won an Academy Award once. It really doesn’t mean she can act. First of all, her character Louise was from St. Louis. Really? Really. Secondly, could she have been anymore of a stereotype? It was in the way she talked, her expressions, over all she just wasn’t representin’. All she needed to say was “hollaaa.”

Mmmmm-hmmmmm. (snaps).

3. While I thought it was cute that the place of reconciliation for Carrie and Big was in her closet, I also thought that him putting a shoe on her when he proposed was a bit much.

So all this made me wonder, are relationships with girlfriends stronger than relationships with man friends?

Rebecca Modelo, Woman. Duh.

Wii Fit Used In Terrorist Training Camps

2008-06-05T17:59:00.005-04:00

It's finally happened. Nintendo, on a whirlwind of success since their Wii console first released back in November of 2006, never expected that their engaging gaming machine could be used in this way. It seems that new damning evidence has revealed that their latest addition to the Wii line, a balanceboard-based game called Wii Fit, is being used in terrorist training camps.

The idea was simple to Nintendo: Get people off their asses. But little did they know that those asses belonged to armed militants with political and religious agendas. The game itself is simple, too. Through a mix of activities in yoga, strength-training, aerobics and balance games, Wii Fit aims to get people to regularly engage in these activities and really work out, all while keeping track of their progress. Genius, right?

According to sources close to terrorist training camps in Afghanistan, the drill sergeants have come to realize how effective the game is to both the mental and physical preparation of their soldiers. Initially, to break down their tolerance and raise their obedience to the cause, the soldiers go through the rigors of finding out their Wii Fitness Age and where they stand in terms of their BMI (Body Mass Index).

"Supposedly, the terrorists don't like being called fat either," said Dr. David Manors, head of Terrorist Training Analysis at Homeland Security, "And this is the first step to breaking down their will. Soon, the ease of use makes them think that they can lower that age to a more perfect number."

Manors believes that such simple exercises such as "Sun Salutation" and "Downward-Facing Dog" have religious and moral applications when the soldiers engage in them.

"Either salute your masters up high or be the dog you are. That's what they're saying. Oh, and the soccer and skiing game are just for fun. Dangerous fun, though."

With these newfound training regimes, Manors believes that we are headed for a future of leaner, meaner and hula-hooping terrorists. Worse still, these camps don't just extend to the Middle East. Terrorist camps all over the world are starting to train with this new method, helping rebels gain footholds of power of governments. How does Shigeru Miyamoto can sleep at night?

Anand Ramakrishnan, Senior Terrorist Specialist.

Politics in Pictures - June 4, 2008

2008-06-04T22:13:00.008-04:00

Since a picture is worth a 1000 words (though I still find that math fuzzy), here's what's going on in the world.

Barack Obama finally clinches the Democratic Party nomination by reaching the necessary delegate count. Hillary has still refused to concede (sending Wolf Blitzer to Befuddledville).

A bit of sad news from the middle east (stop gasping, you'll faint) as thousands are displaced from their homes due to food and water shortages.

In a hilarious bit of news, a volunteer manual for the 2008 Beijing Olympics had to be recalled because the Chinese were a bit...blunt in their advice.

My boy Dalton (AKA The Guint AKA Spiderman) wants to finally tell cellphone companies to get the fuck out with their "system access fees" and other hidden charges. Go, man, go.

This tiny, pudgy, brown boy named Sameer Mishra (who probably looks like what Anand looked like at that age) won the 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee with style and a bit of humour. Good on ya, mate.

Editor's Note: Psh, I would so not wear a yellow shirt. And I was twice as funny! And does no one else find the word "guerdon" a bit ironic as the winning word? Yeah...think about it.
Lenny: We won't, you fat nerd.

Leonard Fallson, Dude who Photoshops way too much.

Conversations...From France

2008-06-03T10:55:00.007-04:00

And now, the exciting conclusion of Alex's adventures in France. The Not So Much News would like to thank him for his committed work and showing us things we couldn't possibly have known about. Today, some conversations.

As the old blues stereotype goes, hobos love to ride trains. Coincidentally (or perhaps not), I also have had the fortune to ride a lot of trains in the past month and meet said hobos. Man, are they ever hilarious and interesting. Usually, I would scoff and avoid these PLEBEIANS--but as I am here to hone my linguistic and conversational skills, I give a chance to any exchange I can get.

That has taught me an invaluable lesson. ALWAYS give a chance to any conversation you can get because, man, you come out with some great perspective and tons of hilarity.

Here are some translated excerpts of conversations and pearls of wisdom:

Mika, a drug dealer from Nice.
M-Hey...psst...do you want hash?
A-No, fuck off.
M-Fuck you, American. (spits on me)
A-Uhh...actually I do, I do.
M-Buddy, I take care of my own! No problem! Here smoke this...

He turned out to be really nice actually and helped me find a bomb place for cheap booze and phone cards.

A Hungarian hobo from Nice.

(Both him and I are drunk)

H-It's my birthday today. I am 54.
A-That's so good! Let's have a beer!
H-OK, I'll buy it for you!

H-My wife left me.
A-That's really sad.
H-I have beer so it's okay.

H-Oh, so you were born in Albania?
A-Yeah.
H-I used to work with this Albanian guy, he was a like a brother to me...what was his name again?

John from Ventimiglia (Italy)

J-I got stuck here because I made a movie for the Cannes film festival in 1980 and it pissed off a lot of people...so now I'm hiding.

J-So they offered me 600 million dollars for that project. I had to help the CIA fight terrorism but I said no.

J-I have been fighting the mafia and the terrorists for 20 years.

J-Call senator Kennedy's office for my contact!
A-(can't hold back the laughter anymore)

Paolo from Milan

P-So I work at this place in Nice , actually. My boss is a really cool guy.
(begins to show me pictures of his life)
P-Here's me, my daughter, my wife (god, I love her), our apartment in Milano...Nice, isn't it?
A-You seem really happy with everything.
P-Yeah, for sure. Here's a picture of me and my Boss. Me, my boss and some prostitutes...
A-Whoa, wait. Didn't you say you had a wife?
P-Yeah but like...I cheat on her.
A-You have a daughter with her!
P-You mean you don't cheat on your girlfriend?
A-No...
P-(pause) I married way too early...

Poka from Amsterdam

P-Yo yo watch out, ah? Da police is gonna take yuh drinks. (We were drinking in public)
A-Thanks man.
P-AI LOOK OUT FOH U.

P-Ai'm dun wit all dat sheet. You see? You see? Ai'm cleen now...ai'm fowty faive. No mo' prison for Poka.
A-Uh...nice...
P-Can I have sum money?
A-Nah
P-Cigarette?
A-Sorry
P-Beer?
A-Fine, you earned it.

Thus end my adventures. I hope you learned something. I sure as hell didn't. See you in Canada.

Alex, Senior Foreign Correspondent and Vagrant Conversationalist.

From Amsterdam...

2008-06-03T10:37:00.014-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to present a two-part finale to Alex's adventures in Europe. Today, Alex reports on his time in the only country that places three Xs in its flag oh-so-suggestively.

“Look man…A church and a whorehouse across the street from each other…This is the only place in the world where you can see that.”

Thus spoke Poka, a Surinamese immigrant to the Netherlands. He may have been drunk and homeless, but his words rang very true. They made me realize that I was indeed in a country of paradox. I wasn’t just anywhere in this country either, I was in its capital – Amsterdam. It was a place where everything was exaggerated--even the paradoxes.

If you ask any Dutch person to describe their country’s image, they will answer that they can’t because the country has two of them. On the one hand, you have its socially tolerant and very left wing policies: legalization of marijuana, homosexual marriage, euthanasia, abortion and prostitution. On the other hand, you have the old fashioned stereotypes: cows, fields, tulips, windmills, clogs etc. The co-existence of these two images are what makes the country what it is and I have to say it is the most interesting country I have visited to date.

One conversation with a stranger in the street and you will realize how the country gets away with being so left wing and tolerant. The people are all extremely nice. And I'm Canadian, so when I say nice, I mean nice. Many countries cannot afford to be so lenient because the people in it would simply abuse the benevolent and proverbial hand that feeds them (the government). Here, that doesn’t seem to happen so much. You are unlikely to see many locals in the coffee shops (though they do frequent them too), as it is usually foreigners that go to them. Another reason is that the Dutch are passionate about complaining and nitpicking. The government has to usually make sure to weigh all of its options very carefully and find the best balance possible for its reforms--or else the people will complain. All the things that are legal here are also heavily regulated. Thus, the best balance is always found.

But enough with the political mumbo jumbo. Amsterdam! The Venice of the North...with hookers and weed. And fewer gondolas.

I walked around the red light district a few nights ago and what did I see? Well...some unattractive prostitutes, some transvestites and then some REALLY hot (legal) prostitutes at the low, low price of 50 euros! If only I had the balls... If you are like me and want to wait until you are filthy rich, lonely and 50 before you get a prostitute, don't worry--there are many other interesting things to do in the red light district. You can simply walk around and be amused by the sight of tits, lights and porn on the store windows. You can even go to a sex show. However, make sure you don't go to one that sucks. And I'm talking generally, not about the content. Try and pay less than 45 euros for one and make sure you know EXACTLY what you are paying for... if you know what I mean.

Coffee shops. They are the reason Amsterdam is often considered to be the stoner-cult heaven. However, as I sadly realized, they are nothing but a dirty tourist trap. They are exactly what stoners are so against: selling out. If you want to pay double the price for weed that is only marginally stronger than in Canada, be my guest. My best advice is to go find the coffeeshops in the non-touristy areas. Still not worth it though. These novelties are just that--novelties. By the 3rd one, you are sick of them and of smoking. But some of you might be more into that than I am.

Apart from that, this vibrant city holds thousands of attractions worth seeing. Do yourself a favour and go to Museumplein. See as many museums there as you can. They are cheap and enlightening. Also see the Zoo, the canals, the bars and the clubs. Do not make the mistake of spending your whole time at coffeeshops and the red light district, or you will soon regret it. To make sure you can see everything, rent a bike. There are 17 million bikes in the Netherlands. The population is 16 million. So you get the idea, EVERYONE bikes and as a cyclist you get ridiculous right of way, so give it a shot.

Happy traveling.

Alex, Senior Foreign Correspondent and Associate Professor of Weed and Sex Show Studies.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 1, 2008

2008-06-01T11:16:00.004-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for June 1, 2008. I had some fun with this one and it only took one take, so...pretty happy with it. Enjoy.

ALERT! NEW EPIDEMIC: LAZINESS.

2008-05-31T00:19:00.003-04:00

So we here at The Not So Much News have taken a week off from writing our hilarious (though rarely read, people--COME ON) articles because we've come under a great spell of tiredness. Rest assured, this crisis is being dealt with. We have the country's top minds and drug peddlers rushing out to get our writers the best psychiatric and psychedelic help they need to get you the best fake news articles that you'll never read! Oh, also, there will be a video on Sunday.

Apologies from The Not So Much News,

Anand Ramakrishnan, Editor-in-Chief.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - May 25, 2008

2008-05-25T11:30:00.004-04:00

First off, my apologies for being so damn sick in this one. You have no idea how much it hurts to breathe right now--but against all odds, I, Anand, the lovable tramp, have brought you this video. Enjoy.

And now, a PSA about Pictionary.

2008-05-22T14:08:00.006-04:00

Hello, I'm international superhunk and editor-in-chief of The Not So Much News Anand Ramakrishnan. Today, I am taking the time out of my normally busy schedule of watching Futurama reruns and playing with my Wii (both figuratively and literally, at times) to talk to you all about something very near and dear to my heart.

Pictionary may seem like a normal and fun board game from the mid 80's. Many families and friends gather together around their respective dining tables (or coffee tables, for the less wealthy) and engage in this activity of pencils, paper and multi-coloured squares.

But underneath this seemingly happy exterior, lies the true nature of the game: violence, vulgarity and the perversion of art.

Take Bobby Henderson. At 17 years old, he was in the prime of life. On a bright December morn, he and his family decided to whip out the old board game and play for old time's sake. Little did Bobby know how horrible it would be. As soon as the die was thrown, his troubles began. On a team with his mother Barbara, he started out as the first drawer, with his clue being "bear tracks".

Halfway through the time allotted, he began to sweat. His mother yelled out more and more things, many of her answers involving the words "VCR" and "pastry". He would pound the table and point to the paper. The laughter of his sister and father egged him to the edge of insanity. Finally, in an act of anger--blamed on the ineptitude of his mother--he lashed out and threw the pen into her eye, blinding her temporarily.

Bobby was arrested minutes later.

Gruesome, absolutely gruesome. And this is just one of the many tales that I have come across in my years. Pictionary has added to the many other indirect accidents caused by the infamous Parker Brothers, including the Monopoly related prison riots and the ironically remorse-less Sorry! serial killer.

So remember folks, board games are just that: for when we're bored. So the next time you draw a killer whale that looks like a bag of garbage, relax, and realize that it's just a game. I'm Anand Ramakrishnan. Good night.

Improv should be easy for politicians

2008-05-21T17:45:00.003-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience like his very, very, very old editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way.

It was the season finale of Saturday Night Live this past weekend, where a special surprise occurred--as was to be expected from the legendary late-night sketch comedy program. The surprise, naturally, was through the show's special (unexpected) guest star: Senator John McCain.

But was it really unexpected? Months ago, both Senators Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton appeared on the show to show that their humourous sides existed, and obviously to stay on message to the potential voters watching. It impressed me...as a child. When I saw important figures--that is, those who might be considered important by adults--on a silly show, I myself would consider the figures far more popular and important. But does it matter? Let's stack the three side-by-side in their SNL-ability.

The show itself is a tough one. Live performance is not meant for even the most seasoned of film actors and definitely for not those in the sports industry. Nevertheless, SNL has seen great and hilarious actors/sports personalities/rock stars screw up and hidden surprises (such as newscasters and Al Gore) to wow us all. It was the case this past Saturday with Senator McCain. Though, one might expect him to do better because in the past (back in 2002), he had hosted the entire program. But then, he wasn't in the political position he is in now.

The first appearance of John McCain on the night was in a political ad that spoofed his age, among other things. Though the ad was a slow laugh due to McCain's delivery, it was worth it to hear him say the word "gaydar". But that wasn't all the 71 year old senator had in him. He reappeared during "Weekend Update", telling democrats to take their time in choosing between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama--paralleling the fake fighting between Update anchors Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler to that of Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. This was a much funnier bit, even if shorter.

Now when you take these and compare it to a direct piece like Hilary Clinton's, or even Barack Obama's, you realize that a man like John McCain--a fan of The Office (supposedly, as mentioned on Jon Stewart)--is a hell of a lot funnier than the other two.

Now that's rare. A 71 year old guy that's damn funny. But you be the judge.

Leonard Fallson, Senior Late-Night Correspondent

Recycle this paper before you read it

2008-05-20T17:27:00.004-04:00

In a special to The Not So Much News, Jill Langlois investigates MTV's latest effort in the reality show world: The Paper.

Yes folks, it has happened. Reality TV has finally offended me. I never thought I would utter those words, but alas, the time has come. MTV has gone too far. Sure, they’ve allowed people to exploit their shallow lives (yes, I’m looking at you, ladies of The Hills) and they’ve made a mockery out of people’s sexuality (is there anyone Tila Tequila won’t “fall in love” with?), but those situations are so far removed from the real world (no pun intended, I swear) that it’s just plain funny to watch what people will do for their 15 embarrassing minutes in the spotlight.

With their new effort, however, MTV has attacked my people. Journalism is a profession, and The Paper turns it into child’s play. It’s like watching a bunch of spoiled bratty high school kids play dress-up, except they don’t realize it’s a game. Their school’s paper, The Circuit, is just another excuse for MTV to bring together a stereotypical group of people and pit them against each other for entertainment’s sake. Bickering runs rampant in the newsroom, and if these kids are as good as they say they are (apparently they’ve won awards), then they should know they’re being portrayed as fools. I suggest they go into broadcasting if they love the camera so much.

Anand: Ain’t nothin’ wrong wit broadcast!
Jill: Sure, buddy! You go for it.
(Jill pats Anand on the back, gives him a lollipop)
Anand: (under his breath) Grr…you’re just lucky I enjoy these…
(Anand licks lollipop)

But to get to the point: The show’s debut episode was all about the race to be editor-in-chief and was basically an introduction to its cast of budding journalist characters. So, as a journalist myself, I figured I’d give you my take on the most important wannabes from Florida’s Cypress Bay High School.

Amanda: More irritating than that bubbly girl you knew in high school that took credit for everything and got away with it. Oh wait, she is that girl. Not only did she win the title of editor-in-chief, but she claimed it was because all previous EICs had names that started with an “A” too. For a former copy editor, the fact that two of her competitors were named Alex and Adam seemed to slip by her quite easily.

Adam: The token guy whose sexuality is questionable, but will never be discussed. Oh yeah, and he’s the advertising manager two years in a row because of his outrageously outgoing personality. Also one of the most annoying people imaginable.

Alex: Apparently a great writer, but a very bitter one when he becomes second in command to Amanda as managing editor. I see a coup d’état in the future.

Trevor and Giana: Stuck together like a journalist to its number one source, these two don’t even deserve their own individual descriptions. A nauseating high school couple at its finest, Trevor and Giana never really get any work done for the paper because they’re too busy, ummm…getting busy.

Mrs. Weiss: The poor woman that has to oversee this atrocity. I feel for her.

I’ll end this with one thing:

(Jill groans)

Jill Langlois, Guest Reality Television Correspondent

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - May 18, 2008

2008-05-18T06:11:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone. Anand suggested I read aloud his jokes as opposed to him just posting the script as it should be moderately more interesting. I apologize in advance for a few hiccups here and there (I didn't get a chance to re-do it.)

Seema Persaud, Deputy Editor of The Not So Much News.

Advice about public scrutiny

2008-05-16T21:55:00.011-04:00

Dear Rebecca,

My boyfriend and I are both struggling musicians who work together at a recording studio. I think we work well together, but lately our co-workers have been telling us we argue too much and it’s impossible to work around the two of us. Our boss likes the work we do but how can I keep working with him when everyone keeps getting upset? How do I fix this?

Singing Celine.

Dear Singing Celine,

So if I have this right, you don’t want to end up in a whole Shania Twain and Mutt Lange situation, where you make the catchiest, most repetitive music together but ultimately end up separating because…well, I don’t know why they’ve separated. But the harsh truth is that they have. So here’s the point: they used to be married and do good work together. I think that’s the point at least. Or it could just be that I’m upset I’ll never get another great classic like “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” from Shania.

But I get what you’re saying, I do. So what I want to emphasize is that you need to find a balance. You don’t want to end up in a ShMutt (can you guess what names those are combined?) ordeal, but you also don’t want to go to a Brangelina extreme and decide that working together makes you destined to be, because that’s just annoying.

I say let your co-workers tell you upfront when enough is enough. Make up a code that your co workers will give you to say it’s quittin’ time concerning your fabulous duo. Make the code a weird facial expression (see: alternate eyebrow raising) or random swear words. Hey, it’s your code, so have some fun with it. All these options could be misinterpreted in many ways so at times you might not even know what the hell is going on, but a little inappropriate office conduct never hurt anyone. If you really can’t think of anything, I suggest a winking action, which can just make you feel good on a bad day (or slightly violated).

Best of luck!

Becky.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Becky,

At the age of 28 you'd think I'd be married, or at least dating someone. I'm afraid, however, that beauty really is only skin deep. Men who look at me only do a double take to check out my rolls. I've been trying to cut back on the amount of food I intake but everytime I get a dirty look like that, all I want is more chocolate.

What am I to do?

Fat Fran.

Dear Fabulous Fran,

First of all, being 28 does NOT mean you need to be in a relationship. (I signed up for Lavalife for research purposes.) There are numerous of successful, happy women out there who don't have men in their lives but are approaching their thirties. Me included. (I'm happy. Really. Mostly.)

And really, there's nothing wrong with having some "rolls" as you call 'em. It's called being natural.

In any such case, if you do notice yourself gaining more weight with your eating habits, you could exercise. Y'know offset the food with some movement. Mind you I have friends who scarf down pizzas, don't work out and are still thin as a rail. But that's beyond the point, if you want to feel better about yourself, stop listening to what others are saying and try making some small steps if you need to lose the weight. Into video games? Nintendo's coming out with their Wii Fit game where you can maybe build up some interest in exercising. Maybe. Or you could save yourself $100 and just take a jog around the block.

Anyhow, I'm craving chocolate cake!

Good luck,

Rebecca.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Rebecca,

A new tenant just moved in below my roommate and I. He makes an unbelievable amount of noise and has parties almost every night. It’s so bad that I’ve only slept 10 hours this week. I’ve only met him once and he’s a really nice guy, so how do I let him know that the noise is becoming too much without being rude?

Tenant Tara

Dear Tara,

Ah, the lose-confidence-because-he’s-a-nice-guy deal, eh? Can’t say I haven’t been there myself but here’s the way I see it. You have to embrace your new neighbour the same way you would embrace a tourist (meaning theoretically, so there won’t be any hugging) and what does tourism translate to? What everyone wants, millions or billions (4.5 to be exact) of dollars for a city.

But what does a partying tenant translate to in tourist terms? Well, a lot of free alcohol for one and hey, who doesn’t want in on that? Look at it this way, you don’t even have cultural diversity, or sightseeing to offer and you’re still reaping the “tourist” benefits and getting a free party 24/7. Hell, that’s better than all of that tourist stuff combined.

However, I do understand the issue of many sleepless nights, so I suggest holding a low-key get together (unfortunately meaning less alcohol) and inviting this tenant guy over so you can make hints around him to other “party-goers” that this is how a party should go because it’s “more pleasant” and all the other euphemisms you want to use that really mean lame.

Although he’ll probably think your shindig is ultimately Borefest 2008 and leave, at least you gave it a shot. Did I mention another option is bribing your roommate to do it? Or if worse comes to worse, you can always just tell the landlord but if you do, be prepared to say goodbye to parties on the main floor with the nice tenant guy.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Rebecca.

What if....?

2008-05-15T20:31:00.005-04:00

Occasionally, The Not So Much News likes to look into the various possibilities this world is capable of. Some will occur in the future...but most will not. Anand Ramakrishnan tries to answer what will happen.

What if Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton were to drop out of the race for president?

Thankfully, the damn campaigning would end. No more having to deal with Hilary's 'no-quit' attitude or Obama's messages of hope. Because frankly, Americans don't want that in a leader. They want something interesting every month, and that sniper-dodging Clinton and...sweetie-calling Barack just can't cut it for them. It is my belief that Americans want a spicier and more exciting electoral process, instead of the longer drawn out ones. My suggestion: Powerball.

What if global warming was all a hoax?

Then there would be more of these things. Aww, so cute. Also, the Burmese (or Union of Myanmarians--though that sounds like a member of the Galactic Empire) wouldn't be suffering as much as they are right now. Also, and this is just a guess, but Al Gore wouldn't have a Nobel Peace Prize, an Oscar, an Emmy and a whole other plethora of kickass awards. Including a guest spot on 30 Rock.

What if O.J. did it?

(snort) Sorry, that was a throwaway. We all know he's an upstanding citizen who is still looking for the real killer.

What if you could drive 55?

According to Jack Cafferty on CNN, you save 38 cents per gallon. Furthermore, it wouldn't kill you to drive the speed limit (or under it). Let me ask you something, have you ever complained about roadkill? Well, guess what? That's caused because you weren't driving slow enough to swerve out of the way dangerously to avoid that raccoon, that probably had rabies (which is fatal if not treated right away in humans), and now its guts are all over the road. Lesson: Slow the hell down.

What if someone went around assassinating dictators around the world?

Well, A) the movie rights are mine, so back off. B) Two more would pop up in their place. See, someone once told someone that the problem with an eye for an eye is that everyone ends up blind. Or like a cyclops. Although, I suppose if they got a really cool eye-patch, they could be pirates. And that wouldn't be so bad. It would be alright. It would be arrrrr-right...(pause) Sorry.

What if Hollister turned its damn lights on?

Whoa, bro, then I'd totally see that you were a dude and then I wouldn't make out with you. In all seriousness, Abercrombie, all it takes is one person to walk blindly into one sharply-crotched mannequin for a lawsuit. I'm just saying.

What if laugh tracks were removed from sitcoms?

Oh, nay, good Fate. I pray you not tempt me with such heaven upon this Earth. Couldth we be rid of the vile 'Two and a Half Men' finally!? Nay...it is but the fevered dream of the comedy aficionado.

Enougheth of thiseth,

Anand Ramakrishnan, Senior Soothsayer.

Le Mode Juste

2008-05-14T11:15:00.008-04:00

Alex Dhefto continues his adventures in Nice, France and reports back to The Not So Much News on his findings...

As the weeks roll on, the experience builds up. Time has allowed me to see some more things about European culture that are interesting. This week, I want to shine the spotlight on something a lot of us don't care about--while others make of it a way of life. Fashion. No, don't dismiss me as lost in the throes of French culture and all of a sudden a big fashion fan. What I want to focus more on is the extremely funny fashion choices some French people make. Mostly guys. So actually, I want to focus on the lack of fashion.

I grew up always thinking that French fashion was a leader in terms of ocular stimulation. Always ahead of the game, always edgy and classy. That might still be true for the big red carpet events where celebrities go to, but the streets do not parallel that trend. Oh man, no way.

I present to you Exhibit A: The Euro Mullet. When will this awful redneck contraption die already? Why does it keep ressurecting?! Of all places, in Europe too. Its new form consists of spiking the front and having a slightly shorter back than the image you're familiar with from the late '80s. I blame David Beckham for it--yet another reason to dislike him more. I have noticed that those who sport this are usually young men, who are mostly categorized scientifically as Douchebaggis Majoris. Basically, what we in Canada would call Euro-trash and what my very good Irish friend Jane calls "poncies". I think I'll use that term from now on.

Exhibit B: Male Capris. This is purely cultural, because everyone does it. Even my cousin who lives here has fallen victim to it (not my cousin after that, fucker). At its worst, the look is usually worn with a tight sailor shirt with a large V neck, Lacoste shoes and big fly-eyes sun glasses. At best, they come with a polo, running shoes and aviators. One might think, based on the stereotype in the west, that these men are gay. In fact, most sightings of this look are not.

Exhibit C: The poodle. Yes, it is an accessory. Maybe not to most people, but to these guys it is. I say that because I mostly see poncies with them and not the normal Frenchmen. Sick, isn't it? Using a tiny dog as a fashion accessory or a statement. And there are reasons that it's disgusting. First of all, because it is a DOG and not a shirt or sunglasses. Secondly, because it is a poodle and not say...a golden retriever, a German shepherd, a rough collie or my personal favourite: a Siberian husky. I'm not much of a pet person but as a straight male, if I were to get a dog, I would not go for a tiny poodle. It is just not very masculine or attractive. Yet some of these men are straight!

That's it. I know, wierd, right? Usually they come in packs of 3 and they all look alike. Yes, 3 is the magic number. Once in a while though, you see them with a really hot girl. THAT, is what is truly disturbing. The other thing is that girls here look perfectly normal. They don't constantly overdress like their male counterparts or wear anything overly strange. Yes, everything poncies wear is very expensive designer stuff. This makes for a very constantly overdressed portion of the male population.

This brings me to a new conclusion. This is not purely a French thing. We have this in Canada too. Back home, we have the valley girl (and her sister, the Queens Bitch) and personally I thought that since guys are more like that here I would also see a lot of those types of girls here. That hasn't happened yet. I guess thats how it goes. It seems our generation cannot live with some degree of ridiculous overdressing in their midst. In Canada it's usually the girls that take up that role, here it seems to be the guys. Pour quoi?

To answer that question, would be opening Pandora's Box. A whole ton of materialistic media-hypnotized shit would spew out. That's the sad reality nowadays, and just like the real Pandora's Box, all we have left once it has been opened, is hope. Hope that the damn mullets go away.

Alex Dhefto, Senior France Correspondent.

Adaptation Season

2008-05-13T16:52:00.009-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience like his Obadiah Stane-ish editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way.

With "Iron Man", Marvel's latest venture into the film world (and its first foray under its new name Marvel Studios), the summer season has been kicked off with a repulsor ray-like explosion. Naturally, with the summer season and a box office destroyer such as "Iron Man", comes the usual criticism that I hope to address in this here article thing.

Despite holding strong with critics and fans alike, "Iron Man" is prey to the obvious faults, foreseen (ironically after) by those film school dropouts on the subway who say they could have written "a way better adaptation". Side note: Learn what makes 98 million in three days, then start complaining. But if I were to totally snub their commentary, I would be falling prey to the exact same ignorance I hope to quell. Or quash. One of those fancy 'q' words.

So let's look at "Iron Man". Directed by Jon Favreau (of Swingers and Zathura fame), a relatively unknown in the world of comic book adaptations--other than the fact that he acted in Daredevil. In this movie, he's done a bang-up job showing us the dark, the light and the explosive side of this comic book character.

Leading the cast, in a role that has won him all kinds of accolade and admiration (from children, something he's probably never had because mom and dad wouldn't tell their kids about something called cocaine), is Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark AKA Iron Man. The actor, who I sometimes called "the deej", gives his natural brand of sarcastic and deadpan humour to the character of Tony Stark, but does a completely wonderful turn as the heroic Iron Man. Rounding out the cast is the wonderful and almost unrecognizable Jeff Bridges, the strong Terence Howard and the light yet hilarious Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts.

That's the nice stuff. Here's what critics hated: Too much male over-compensating. Too much racism and indoctrination of "USA all the way". Too little cohesiveness in the cast. Oh but we loved Robert Downey Jr.!

And here's the old Leonard Fallson response: Iron Man is a comic book character. Comic books started in the United States of America are there primarily to do two things (in my opinion): Breed hope within the powerless that they can discover a hero within themselves and to realize that the American dream is worth fighting for.

Translated into film, this seems cheap. But extended over the life of a series, it seems iconic. Isn't that a tad unfair, as all the film aims to do is to show the world a glimpse of what this series is all about? It's a Marvel character, as well, and that world is not easy to show in its entirety. Sidebar: When you're bored on any night, attempt to cover even one comic book series within the Marvel universe on Wikipedia. I assure you, it's mind-boggling.

Final word: There are no final words. Adaptations will keep coming. The Hulk is being remade because the first one didn't pass muster. The deej will have a cameo in that one. Which is one of those good things to come out of "Iron Man"--the fact that the franchise will, for the first time, attempt to create a Marvel universe on film with the same actors and characters across various films. Let's hope it works. For now, go and see "Iron Man"--it's damn good.

Leonard Fallson, Guy who hopes they make the Hulkbuster armour later. Yeah, that'd be badass!

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - May 11, 2008

2008-05-11T12:03:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, May 11, 2008. To everyone who thinks these get easier every week, know that I did about 7 takes and THIS was the best one. Trust me. Enjoy.

Crackberries

2008-05-10T18:25:00.008-04:00

We've all heard the term before, but have we ever realized the ironic truth behind it? For those who don't know, a "crackberry" is a term used for Canadian company Research In Motion's "BlackBerry" device--stemming primarily from the fact that its users seem almost drone-like when engaging with it.

Seemingly robotic, these users (often seen in subways) have developed "carpal thumbal syndrome"--similar to carpal tunnel, but localized to the thumb regions of the hand. The use of the older scroll wheel at the side and now newer ball function on BlackBerrys have caused not only debilitation of the digits, but ignorance of family.

But we're here to talk about something far more insidious than those consequences.

"They're actually used for crack," said Agt. Marvin Ericsson of the Drug Enforcement Agency, "And it's been a real pain in the ass for us at the DEA." Ericsson has been keeping drugs of the streets for almost 20 years, and has seen crooks and thugs develop newer technologies throughout the year to keep their business alive. "But never like this. See, what they do now, is hide the cocaine inside, and use the rolling mechanism to create really fine powders. The more they scroll that wheel, the finer it gets."

Ericsson's findings have yet to reach the upper management at the DEA, so he is the sole driving force behind finding ways to bring down this terrible use of technology. Assisting him, as usual with an agency like the DEA, are actual criminals who live the dangerous double life.

"Yeah, I seen that, man. It's nuts," said "Mike", one of Ericsson's confidential informants, "And I seen them do that all the time. I seen one time, um, pigs walk in and bust up the place, but they don't find nothing, right? All they see is boys on them crackberries and they figure ain't no shit happening. They got off, man."

So what can be done to combat this new form of crack concealing? Not much according to Ericsson. Research In Motion's denial of the acts taking place make it much harder to pass any sort of legislation on the issue. Although if Ericsson had his way, he'd implement a fungal agent to release into the BlackBerry when opened, thereby ruining the integrity of the cocaine.

"Let's just hope they realize how dumb hollowing out BlackBerrys are, and stop this madness."

Rebecca Modelo, Senior "loves to hollow things out and store illegal things in them" Correspondent.

Advice that you didn't hear from me.

2008-05-10T00:21:00.009-04:00

Dear Becky,

I recently got fired from my retail job after a stupid mistake and I haven’t been able to find work since. I was thinking about going back and asking (or begging) for my job back because I think I can work my way up to a management position in that company. What can I do to show them that I’m really a good worker and I’m ready to be committed to that position?

Dedicated Deb

Deb,

Well, I want to say that I’m happy you’re not taking advice from the Star Jones book of being fired and you’ve decided to skip the whole boss-bashing bit. This means that you’re ready to go and ask for your position back. Now, you didn’t specify what your mistake was, but if it’s anything like giving away one Timbit to a little sick orphan for free, you might want to seek media attention. That always does the trick. But if it was a case where the manager actually had a justifiable reason for firing you (like you were sitting behind the counter eating chips bought from a foreign food store around the corner of your apartment while customers were shopping) then you’re going to need a better plan of action.

The key to getting this job back is going in there with the perfect combination of a prepared statement of regret and a pathetic expression on your face. So the look on your face has to be the perfect mix of sad, poor and desperate. Trust me, it’s not hard. Then, when telling them how badly you need the job back (possibly using some excuse about how your dog is ill and requires a psychiatrist) and how much you regret your mistake, try to use a lot of euphemisms such as “let go” instead of “fired”, to let them know you have no hard feelings towards them. And if all else fails, threaten to file some sort of lawsuit if they don’t rehire you. Sexual harassment lawsuits. That sends everybody running. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Becky.

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Dear Rebecca,

Lately my group of friends and I have been growing pretty distant. They all live in the same area and work in pretty close proximity to one another so they hang out together a lot, but without me. I feel like I’m being phased out but I don’t want to sound like I’m paranoid and confront them about it. How can I restore my place in the group without them knowing this ever bothered me?

Lonely Lane.

Dear Lane,

It sounds like you have quite the friend dilemma here. So I have a couple of options for you, but they involve you owning up to the fact of being the “meh” friend.

You could pull a “Friends” move and decide which one of your friends you could most confide in. Just like in the show, there’s always one you can go to for every different situation. So pick the Rachel (assuming you’re Monica—who we all are), pull her aside and let her know what’s going on with you.

Keep in mind that you don’t want to come off as paranoid as American Idol is about their ratings; you want to sound concerned (like scripted television with their ratings). Voice that concern and then drop it, let your friend sit on that info for a little while. This could end up in 3 possible scenarios: her feeling guilty and getting upset in front of you, gossiping about you behind your back or actually doing something about this whole craziness. So all these scenarios have their pros and cons, but at least you’ll feel better and that’s what this is all really about right? Just remember, you have to make some effort too. So you can’t just chill on your couch, put your cell phone on silent and expect them to want you live up the social life with them. Although, that does sound pretty sweet. Yeah, that’d be nice right about now...I mean, never mind. You could also try clawing your way back in. Whosoever denies desperation as a tactic is a lonely being.

Becky.

Dear Rebecca,

Like many people, I'm entitled to writing off some of the expenses I incur when I'm doing my job. I never write off items that don't directly deal with my work. But then there's the storage cupboard. I've developed this habit of taking Post-its, pencils and glue (to name a few things) from the supply office and giving it to my kids.

The other day my manager went in to get some pens and said to me, "Gosh, I just had this place restocked a few days ago, where could all the pens be?" and then she shot me a stare. I think she knows. What do I do in case she knows I've been stealing from our office and, how do I stop this habit?

Robin

Dear Robbin (I’m aware of the spelling mistake, but I want you to be aware of the irony),

This seems to be a common problem for people who work in offices. You see it there, so why not take it? No one's watching, (except for Big Brother - he's always watching like a pervert), you're allowed to take things if necessary, so, why not? I'm not encouraging this habit. But I'm not discouraging it. I mean, you're not stealing much. But remember, stealing is wrong. And illegal.

Either way, it's not like you're writing off expenses for ice-cream and vacation bills or stealing the ink cartridges for the printer. Try to cut back on the amount of items you steal per week. At least then it'll be harder to trace the missing items back to you. Also, only go in right after someone else goes into the storage room so there are more people to point fingers at. Also, what I find works is to occasionally take materials and leave them in your boss’ office. They start to doubt themselves and you play a sick, twisted mind game that tastes just as delicious as the kleptomania itself…But don't get me wrong, I'm not supporting you stealing here! I'm just trying to get you to cut back on your habit.

Good luck cutting back!

Becky

Bollywood: Plot

2008-05-08T21:19:00.010-04:00

And now we come to the finale, the icing, the final part of The Not So Much News' series on the most interesting of film industries--Bollywood.

Today: Plot.

The average plot of a Bollywood film has certain crucial elements. "Guy, girl and tree" is usually what people think, but there are a few more intricacies to the plots that are out there. See, there is a guy, and usually he wants a girl, and normally they dance around the tree...but what about everything else?

Take typically atypical scenario A:

The guy (probably named Rahul or Ronit or Raj or Rahul) is portrayed as a charming, self-made, parents-loving guy--who, for some reason, has something missing in his life. Bang. In comes the girl named...well, it really doesn't matter what she's named, because as a viewer, we better get used to that name being thrown around by the guy in every which way. My personal favourite is when he runs down the train tracks yelling her name. But we're not there yet in the story.

So, boy sees this girl (in a ridiculously fate-inspired moment) and he is infatuated--to the point that he doesn't care about work or family. Naturally, the girl is hard to get, but soon, she sees what we all see--the immature, irresponsible love that the boy shares for her. She falls for him. Bang. Enter obstacles.

These come in various forms. Fathers with huge moustaches, jealous brothers, crazy eye-browed mothers/grandmothers or my personal favourite: mobsters. Don't ask why, just accept the fact that the Mumbai underworld stands in the way of their love.

So how does this story end? If indeed it does end (for that's a problem in these movies), the guy always ends up with the girl. Always. In my mind, it's a reason as to why India is so damn populous.

But that brings me to the main point of plot: It's all about seeing something that doesn't happen in everyday life. People aren't that pretty, mountains aren't always that pretty, people can't break out into song and dance randomly--in short, movies don't happen. Which, if you realize it, is what we have here in the west too, just not to that extent.

I think what I've realized in writing this series is that escapism may be ludicrous, but it works. The world is full of shit, but when you wade in it, sometimes you want films to remove you from it. Furthermore, I can't reiterate how there are some good Bollywood films out there. Many of them just share the same tired and old plot elements. Do better, Bollywood.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Senior Indian Film Analyst and Occasional Bollywood Star

From France...

2008-05-07T11:00:00.015-04:00

A note from the editor:

Hi everyone, it's Anand. Recently, a good friend of mine told me he was going to France for a month. I thought, what better way to share his cultural experiences than to threaten and force him to write for The Not So Much News. Without further delay, here's my friend Alex, Senior (and only) foreign correspondent, live from Nice!

First Impressions.

Greetings all from beautiful sun-kissed Nice, France. It is almost 30 degrees and life could not be better. Your correspondent is here to take a French language program and has much to comment on. As a Canadian student, he can not help himself in these first few days and has to do what he usually does best: "point out cultural differences". And talk in the third person. Maybe I'll stop that now.

One thing stands out first: life in Nice is slow. It's nothing like the "go-go, chug coffee, fully-booked agenda" we have back home. The Mediterranean does that to you. Your correspondent is in fact convinced that if you listen closely, its gentle swishing sounds are actually saying "slowww downnn maan". This leaves him to think that either he is crazy or that the Mediterranean is the pot-addled stoner of all the high seas.

Either way, these perma-tanned Franco-Italians have mastered the art of doing nothing. Bars and outdoor patios rule the streets and so do the seemingly mounds of unemployed people in them drinking coffee...for pleasure. What a life, I know. However, "le chomage" (unemployment), is at an all time low and France's GDP is healthy. Thus, those fools in Paris must be carrying all the weight. Tant pis pour eux.

The second thing worth mentioning is the way this country has changed and how old age stereotypes have been run into the ground. This is a new France now. Industrious, slightly less full of itself, multicultural and always looking to the west. People humbly bring up World War II when I tell them I am Canadian. Especially since Thursday, May 8 is a national holiday commemorating liberation by the Canadians, British and Americans. The old image of the snobby Frenchman is gone, save for some poor, ignorant saps we unfortunately call our southern neighbours.

Mind you, not all is perfect. If you are an African or an Arab, you are still going to run into problems, especially up north. Proof of this is the burned car I found (still not cleaned up from two years ago), when there was some unrest in the poorer areas of the cities. Nice is better for that however, with the city itself comprising of mostly immigrants from all around the Mediterranean. I'm sure I would have found more bad relics in cities like Paris (and on my last trip 2 years ago, I did).

But here people are ever friendly and often all you need to see that is a soccer ball. It is a French person magnet. No matter where you are, if you are kicking it around, people will join you and soon you'll have a decent, adrenaline-filled game as well as some new buddies.

Now on to the annoying stuff. Thankfully, it's all trivial. If you are travelling to France, be careful of French keyboards. They are tricky and very different. It takes a while getting used to and writing this is proving very challenging. Also, watch out for bad pop music, mostly coming from North America. It might be somewhat easy to avoid that stuff back home but here people just seem to love it. They drink it up and inhale it. You will hear a lot of Celine Dion and Avril Lavigne. Too bad really, because real French music is actually quite good.

Watch out for dog shit. Seriously. This place must have the most dogs per capita in a large area. Usually poodles. So you get unpleasant whiffs while walking the streets and if you are unlucky--unpleasant stepping material too.

All in all, with the beach to my left and the rolling hills with low buildings to my right, it all feels like paradise. Now I'm off to explore and tan. Au revoir.

Alex, Senior Foreign Correspondent.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - May 4, 2008

2008-05-04T10:15:00.004-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday May 4, 2008. Sorry about missing last week! I also apologize for the sun flares. Enjoy.

Violence and Video Games

2008-05-03T21:19:00.009-04:00

With the release of the highly-anticipated Grand Theft Auto IV, a game that is not only set to smash sales records all over the world but is also one of the most critically acclaimed, the buzz about violence in video games has started again. No, it's not only Jack Thompson atop his letter-writing and lawsuit-engaging soapbox.

This is an age-old battle. It's even more age-old to be talking about this age-old battle. The cliche of bloggers and reporters talking about violence in video games is almost as boring as watching paint dry. But so long as there are games that allow you to whack a guy, there's going to be a debate about it.

Remember Doom? I remember Doom. Doom was a fantastic game that had you killing aliens on Mars. Yeah it was bloody and there were guns, but you felt great because you were defeating aliens that were coming to kill you! Look, chances are, if an alien came at you looking like the bad guys in Doom, they're not wanting hugs. Okay, maybe Doom is a bad analogy. Doom is far from GTA IV.

So what's the issue? Aside from a few freezing errors, the game is touted to be near perfect. The sheer open-endedness (or sandbox nature) of the world allows gamers, old and unfortunately young, to do whatever they want within the heavily New York-influenced Liberty City. This includes, among other things, beating people up, engaging in firefights with the police and, of course, throwing people out of their vehicles and "commandeering" them. Okay, screw that, you're stealing. But hell, it's in the damn title.

What most people don't see, is the "among others" part. Did you know there's a bowling mini-game in this one? BOWLING. And no, you can't take the bowling ball and smash someone's head in. Or can you...? Anyhow, people forget that one of the main attractors of the GTA franchise is the freedom of movement within a world. The lack of boundaries is one of the primary reasons that people pick it up. It's almost sad to say, but people don't play these games so that they can imitate it in real life later (except for Flight Simulator--but those nerds couldn't hurt anyone), they play these games to get away from the life they have.

I know, I'm editorializing heavily. My girlfriends ask me, "But Becky, how can you like such a violent game?" Well, there are less than violent reasons to like this game! For instance, never have I seen such a character in my life. He's so deep. Yet not. Yet so deep. Furthermore, graphically, this game is brilliant. I could go on, but it won't convince you anymore.

Now we come to the disclaimer that I feel people who defend the game don't do all the time: Seriously, kids, don't think you're Niko Bellic and that you can mess with the police. Don't think it's easy to carjack someone. I can't stop you from playing the game, but remember: It's just a game.

Becky: A game you can now play online! With friends! And--
Anand: Okay, Beck, we get it, the game is good.
Becky: No, I have more nice things to say! It's also got two plot endings and--
(Anand pistol whips her, knocking her out.)
Anand: Seriously, kids. Violence is bad.

(Anand's woman-like voice) Rebecca Modelo, Senior Video Games Analyst.

Advice on Taking Charge

2008-05-03T01:12:00.004-04:00

Dear Rebecca,

My best friend Ceri’s boyfriend is always around. He wants to go everywhere and do everything with us- even if it’s shopping at the mall, or watching ‘Sex and the City’. Not only is he clingy but he calls me things like “Sammycakes” and “Samjam”. To be honest, I can’t stand being within 2 feet of the guy but I know Ceri’s happy with him, so how do I tell them he needs to stop acting like a 10-year-old brother and let me spend some time with my friend?

Samantha

Well Sam (I can call you Sam right?),

I can honestly say I’ve been there, more times than I’d like to admit. It’s definitely one of the most awkward conversations you’re going to have; a little more awkward than admitting you’re dating your best friend’s ex-boyfriend, and a lot more awkward than telling your new boyfriend he used to date your best friend.

But never fear because this too shall pass. What you need to do is have a chat-sesh with Ceri and let her know what your deal is. Give her some insight into the world of Sam’s role as Ceri’s best friend. You want to slowly build up to the somewhat-boyfriend bashing, so make sure suck-up mode is in high gear first. The more sucking up you do to her first, the less this is gonna hurt.

After you’ve reminded her what a great friendship you have, let her know what’s actually going on in that brain of yours. Tell her that you feel Joe Clingy is a) the definition of annoying b) attractive and you want to date him so she should keep him away from you c) is spending too much time with you two and it makes you feel like the third wheel or last but not least d) a great guy, but you really just want to spend more time with her.

These are four great options, with four unpredictable outcomes.

Yours,

Rebecca “waiting for this to be posted on youtube” Modelo.

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Dear Rebecca,

With an ocean separating my boyfriend and I, we decided to experiment with other ways to keep the love alive. Late night phone calls and naughty pictures became one of the few ways we could still feel connected physically.

On our next phone conversation he prompted me with something I did not expect -- selling my photos for profit. I refused and, disgusted, hung up the phone. Since then my boyfriend and I are no longer together as his need for sharing our sexual expeditions and earning profit fast do not match my own need to maintain our relationship.

As an aspiring police officer, the last thing I need is a website with nude photos of me popping up on the Internet. Sure, I’m robed in some of them, but only partially… in sheets. How do I ensure these photos remain on his computer and no where else when all he seems to have is a drive for money?

Yours,

Officer Ironically in Cuffs.

Dear Officer,

It seems that your ex-boyfriend was just capitalizing on one of Hollywood’s most popular trends of all time: raunchy photography. My theory is that he watched a little too much Access Hollywood and not enough CNN (though I wouldn’t be surprised if Wolf Blitzer was talking about Miley Cyrus and her lady parts…gotta fill three hours somehow!).

Anyhow, you are in a prime position as an officer. Ever see that show DEA on Spike TV? Yeah, I know, Spike TV = Chick repellent, but I watch it because it shows me how to communicate fear with men in ways only they understand: guns, cops and raids.

So here’s what you do: Get a couple of your cop friends and bust this guy’s apartment (especially when he has friends over) for drugs. Tell him he could go to jail for 15 years unless he “flips” his dealer. The key is to yell. And take pictures. But never post them. We don’t want to relive the Iraqi prison scenarios, we just want to humiliate this perv of an ex-boyfriend.

Yours,

Rebecca “Doesn’t see how raunchy pictures are sexy” Modelo.

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Dear Rebecca,

As a female reaching the top of the career ladder, I spend hours upon hours working. My biological clock is a ticking reminder of my lacking personal life. I rarely ever find time to just sit down and read a book or cook myself a proper meal, let alone be in a relationship. How can I meet someone and still make it to the top of my career.

Susan S.

Executive Chair of Organic Foods Inc.

Dear Susan,

Too much emphasis is placed these days on a biological "clock". I like to think of it more as a biological "sundial". Because remember, even when it feels like it's night, the sun's always around the corner. Unless it's going to rain the next day. Look, the point is, you're as young as you feel.

Just look at Barbara Walters. That lady got jiggy (technical term) with a Republican senator back in the 70’s and kept it a secret for 30 years, just for her career. And look where she is now! Lispy though she may be, she’s still pretty powerful. So my advice to you is to start doing the little things that keep life exciting. Then move on to the big stuff.

For example, eat Indian food. That’s exotic. Uh…ride a bicycle in the park. Great way to meet men. Oh, take a language class and sit next to the cute guy, always mentioning how your day job isn’t rewarding, despite how much money you rake in. Easy win.

Yours,

Rebecca “Content with the rung she’s on” Modelo.

Bollywood: Characters and Actors

2008-05-01T20:15:00.005-04:00

Anand Ramakrishnan continues The Not So Much News' series on Bollywood.

Today: Actors and Characters.

Last week, we covered the musical side of the Bollywood industry, the most significant aspect to the western world about the films. What few know (and are probably ashamed of) is that the difference goes far beyond music. Now we will examine the actors/actresses of Bollywood and some of the characters they play.

To be a Bollywood "star", a title both lucrative and ludicrous, one needs several key features. You need to look Indian while visually appearing half-Indian. This is a particular feature in actresses--especially the ones who have green eyes and are whiter than Hilary Swank. Sidebar: There are a billion of us, so green eyes are more than a rarity. Secondly, if you've got the attractiveness down, you need to be able to dance. Naturally, there are actors out there who don't have either (looking at you, Abhishek Bachchan), but they generally have the third quality: actual acting ability.

In rare cases, all three are there. And it is these actors that stand the test of Bollywood time (about 3 hours x about 50 films). However, having all three makes one prone to a certain process that no actor or actress can avoid. Let's imagine it this way:

Of course, this is a process that occurs for people who are "stars". You know, the ones with 20 inch waistlines (or conversely, ridiculous 8-packs). However, character actors (those who play villains with huge moustaches or the ugly sidekicks/comic reliefs) follow a much different and unimportant timeline.

So the way it looks, most actors will do crap for a good part of their careers. There is no one actor who has been perfect every single time. The industry works so that there are no Daniel Day-Lewises (or Lewii) in Bollywood. But one thing's for sure: People eat this stuff up.

Despite how terrible an actor might be, their attractiveness clouds their ability when it comes to what audiences want. Despite how painful it shows that they can't play the violin, audiences will still see what they want to see: Their heroes and heroines taking their rightful place up on that screen. It goes to show that escapism really is the name of the game...that we'll talk about next week.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Senior Bollywood Heartthrob.

The World in Pictures

2008-04-30T22:09:00.005-04:00

Hey guys, Lenny here. I really enjoyed showing rather than telling last week, so I think I'll continue the trend. My special thanks to the BBC for "lending" me these pictures.

BBC: Hey! I didn't lend you that!
Lenny: Dude, you were drunk, trust me, you said I could use them.
BBC: Okay, but only because I don't remember that night.

Celebrating the countdown to the Olympics.

Celebrating the countdown to seeing Harrison Ford yell at some bad guys to get off his lawn.

Not all monks achieve enlightenment right away.

The state of education in Iraq. How is it that if the world takes a couple pictures like this, people get this overwhelming sense of success about Iraq? Damn cute kid though.

Leonard Fallson, Senior World Photograph Stealer.

No video this week!

2008-04-27T15:49:00.003-04:00

From all of us here at The Not So Much News, we regret to inform you that there will be no video this week. We could give you a reason--mostly involving dragons and aerial dogfights with said dragons--but we hold you viewers and readers in higher esteem than that.

Tune in next week!

The NSM News Team.

Advice on summer employment.

2008-04-25T21:55:00.005-04:00

Work for people has become an issue lately because of recession. More specifically, the summer becomes a time where many students look for prospective employment opportunities. And so, Rebecca Modelo continues her advice column for The Not So Much News.

Dear Rebecca,

I've never had a job before because I just cannot bear to talk to people. When I do, my voice comes out in hushed tones that I am unable to raise. I dream of one day being like you, Rebecca, a reporter. I read your articles every week and only wish to write as well as you do. I know that as a reporter you must be able to talk to people, but how do I do that when I cannot even talk to my mother?

Shianne.

Dear Shianne,

I'm flattered by your admiration. It'll be a bit hard to become a reporter if you can't talk to people, but you can if you really want to. I advise you to pull out those stuffed animals in your closet (you can talk to those, right?) and line them up on your shelf. Think you might look ridiculous? Well, chances are you do, but it's better than being unable to talk to people. Frankly, stuffed animals have a better bedside manner than most people (I’m aware of the irony that they might actually be by your bedside).

If necessary, search those boxes in your basement for the plastic teacups from your childhood and have a tea party. Maybe you missed out on this opportunity as a child, which would explain your inability to talk to others, so raid your kitchen instead. Create lines for each of your guests and actually say them aloud. Stand in front of your mirror and talk to yourself. You'd be surprised at how easy it is. Who knows? Maybe this will be a good exercise for you to work with kids.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Rebecca McCheese

Hey Rebecca,

I'm having a lot of problems finding a summer job this year. In job interviews, I always get turned away quickly because I have a criminal record. Everyone falls for my charm but then the moment they do the background check, I never hear from them again. I'm 22, I love kids and I really want to work at Camp Sunshine this summer. I'm afraid they'll look into the fact that I'm not allowed to be around children because of my past. How can I get them to look beyond my record and see that I really just want to play with kids?

Peeping Pete

Well Pete, it's a good thing you didn't tell me exactly what your criminal record consists of, because as much as I'd love to have a Law and Order episode based on me, I sure don't want it to go down like this.

Now that we've got that out of the way, your first step is to scout out your next place of employment. You need to find a place that's going to be pretty sympathetic and understanding of your "situation". That being said, unless you were born in another era, you'll realize most people are neither understanding nor sympathetic. Welcome to the 21st century.

Luckily, there are a few people who still have these unlikely qualities and those are the people who are going to help you. Really look around for jobs you actually want that would be more open to the idea of hiring someone with your kind of past. Once you get an interview, downplay your criminal record by saying that it was a misunderstanding. Or a series of misunderstandings. Very poorly explained and time-consuming misunderstandings.

When they do mention your record, present them with the whole "I was a different person then." Blah blah blah. Because you are. Right? Right. Good, so tell them that. Hype that up too. Now go out there and try your best. In the interview don't mention my name though, for uh...credibility purposes.

The mob is always hiring,

RM.

Dear Becky,

As a poor undergraduate student, I’ve resorted to less socially acceptable ways of earning money. Unfortunately, my family is not supporting me to pay my rent or food, leaving me to take extreme measures to earn money. That is to say, if you’ve passed by Hooker Harvey’s, you’ve probably seen me. Yes, that’s me with my skirt riding high and my 4 inch platform shoes. Now that I’m going home for the summer to my small town community of 30, I don’t know how I’ll continue to earn enough money to pay for my tuition, rent and food for the fall. My parents clearly can’t know, so what am I left to do?

Waiting for my next client,

Prostitute Pam.

Dear Pam,

You didn’t need to say poor and undergraduate because the words go hand-in-hand. Unless of course you’re my princess of an editor who feels he doesn’t need to work.

Anyhow, I wanted to say congratulations, because you’ve probably hit a higher salary mark with that job than I ever will.

It’s probably not in your best interest to go home for the summer if you want to continue doing ...well, whatever it is you do (no pun intended). If you went home, your parents would find out. Because let’s face it, they are parents and their job is to be completely involved in your life. I think of it like a radar. Whenever you, the blip, comes into their range, their nagging/meddling mechanism activates.

They don’t know what it’s like to be a university student in today’s world and how much money it costs to pay for school and have a life. They wouldn’t think selling your body is worth it, but let me tell you, if you’re making the kind of money I think you’re making, it’s worth every moment of possible self-loathing you’ve ever had. So stay put where you are and go home and see the ‘rents on your days off, or resting days, or whatever you ladies refer to them as.

Concerned that you should probably get tested for certain diseases,

Becky.

P.S. – How…how much do you make? You know, out of curiosity? I wouldn’t publish these details or anything, I just have a professional curiosity. And a friend wants to know. Call me.

Bollywood: Music.

2008-04-24T17:57:00.010-04:00

It seems increasingly apparent that this phenomenon will continue to take the world by storm. Worth billions a year (in more than just rupees), "Bollywood" is the mainstay of the Indian cinema industry. Many people on the western side of the world have had a taste of this industry in some form or another, finding the nonsensical plots and outrageous song-and-dance numbers appealing on a strange level. Even though there's too much to explain, The Not So Much News will attempt to explain Bollywood to you in a special 3-part series.

Today: Music.

Music is, decidedly, the significant difference between Indian cinema and other film industries. And, just as debatable, it's a mixed blessing to these films. Certain bad things and certain good things come out of it.

Firstly, the negative. With music, the average runtime for a Bollywood film is about three hours. Now, sitting through even a fairly interesting plotline (a rarity in its own right) for about three hours is testing the limits of any people, let alone the common Indian who works 9 - 12 hours a day. This added length comes from about four or five numbers per movie that involve the main characters singing and dancing repetitively in various fashions.

This gives rise to the second negative aspect: Boring, tired, repetitive music. Both in terms of lyrics and sound, the music in the average Bollywood film uses the same style of dance mixes, love ballads and toe-tapping family numbers that have been in play for decades. The word "love" is thrown around about 100 times in these songs, and multiplied by the fact that more than a 1000 of these films come out every year...the math hurts with a huge wave of boredom. If the western world ever realized who Himesh Reshammiya is, they'll understand.

Finally (though one could go on), the music itself seems to have ingrained itself into the minds of people--making them believe a movie without a soundtrack is unique and strange. On a more philosophical level, the music helps to further the idea of escapism as the primary objective of these films. Realism and insights into the human condition doesn't really work when the main characters are rolling through a verdant field in one scene singing through a voice that would shatter the common eardrum.

But for all that is bad, there is something good to be said.

The music can be good. It can be innovative and original, testing the genres and styles of sound and lyrics. It can bring about some of the greatest minds and voices in music that India has ever seen, such as A.R. Rahman. It can take the plot to new levels that could only be imagined through music. And escapism isn't a horrible thing to the person who works 9 - 12 hours a day. The music brings a spice to their lives that they can carry with them as they hum it on the motorcycle ride home.

All in all, music has had a great impact on Indian cinema, one that doesn't look like it's leaving anytime soon.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Only Indian Correspondent.

American Politics in Pictures

2008-04-23T20:43:00.005-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. He talks too much. So enjoy these as his lazy attempt at a post.

George H. W. Bush - Little known fact: Connoisseur of seafood.

Senator John McCain - Little known fact: Always asleep.

Senators Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton - Little known fact: He's signaling to his security team to shoot her if she tries to stab him.

Leonard Fallson, Senior Political Columnist.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - April 20, 2008

2008-04-20T14:01:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, April 20, 2008. Only one note today: Java is a place in Indonesia. You'll get it when you see it. Enjoy!

The Darker Side of Arts and Crafts

2008-04-19T18:29:00.013-04:00

Today marks the 15th anniversary of the death of Robert Lozare, the 48-year-old hobby-store owner and convicted...offender. The very nature of his offense makes it hard to conclude what kind of offense it actually was. Lozare's case was unique fifteen years ago, and would still be considered the same today. Lozare was a hobbiosexual.

A term not-so-widely used today, simply put, it means one who has an almost sexual fervor towards arts and crafts. In Lozare's case, it turned violent, causing him to burn down his store with himself inside. Fortunately, there were no other victims.

"Though some would say his own materials were the greatest victims," believes 32-year-old Sandra Payne, a yarn store owner in Bangor, Maine. Payne grew up in the same city her entire life, spending her days as a young girl near Lozare's store. There, she would notice his eccentricities. "He would grope his yarn, rub his dowels and even dip his hands into his paints. I'm surprised I didn't need therapy after seeing the things I did."

Nothing would prepare Payne for what happened almost 16 years ago at the store. She walked into the store looking for yarn, as her own interest in knitting had turned into more than a hobby. She saw Lozare arguing with a large bald man, who was later found to be looking for some wood for a home project. Lozare grew incensed at the man's request and proceeded to shout fiercely.

An artist's rendering of the Lozare trial. All edits made by the NSM news.

"He kept yelling things like 'You have to feel the grain!' and the other guy got really scared," Payne recalls, never forgetting the demented look on Lozare's face, "then he just...took his clothes off and started...sodomizing a nearby 2x4."

Lozare's case was infamous for coining the term hobbiosexual, despite most experts believing that the act has been around for hundreds of years. By the time Lozare's case went to trial, he was sentenced with public indecency and vandalizing. He was fined heavily, but would receive no jail time. Distraught by his tarnished reputation, Lozare set fire to his hobby shop several weeks after the trial.

"It's not as simple as sex," believes Peter Understall, professor of psychology at the University of Maine, "and I think the world needs to know that. I was brought to Lozare's trial for my expert testimony and found him to be socially disturbed, but not enough to be incarcerated." The head of what he calls "sensational sexology" at the University of Maine, Understall has seen many patients fight with their own hobbiosexualism.

"It's very much like being gay or lesbian. It's innate. I once had a patient that claimed velour got him sexually excited because he was draped in it as a baby!" Understall feels you can still see it today. Walk into any store and you'll see the milder forms of this biological mindset. "People grope yarn, people sniff glue...people love to touch and sense things, especially what they know they will create with. It's natural."

What isn't natural, however, are extreme cases like Robert Lozare's. While hobbiosexualism might not be recognized by the DSM-IV, researchers like Understall are hoping to get it into the manual by its next edition in 2011.

Rebecca Modelo, Senior Arts and Crafts Violations Officer.

Advice on cheating.

2008-04-18T23:59:00.011-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to present its first advice column, headed up by our very own Rebecca Modelo.

Anand: So, Rebecca, why did you want to do this?

Rebecca: Look, if people are reading what that blowhard Lenny has to say, I can be just as blunt. I'll still add my regular pieces to The Not So Much News, but this is a way of giving back to the readers.

Lenny: What did she say I blow?

Rebecca: Shut up, Lenny. This week I take a look at why people should just get a grip and cheat in university. Enjoy, everyone!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yo Becky,

Ive bin foolin around a lot dis term n lik u kno sometimez you jus dun do ne work. my gurl takes up 2much time. how can i write my exam wen i din even read nething this yr?

Tamara’s boi.

Dear “Tamara’s boi”,

Firstly, how are you even in university? Unless you’re going to York, your university seriously needs to re-evaluate your entrance because of the dreadful spelling and overall grammar of that question. Secondly, whhh-chhhh, “Tamara’s boi”? That girl has you whipped.

In any case, if by some miracle you manage to maintain some sort of academic credibility and remain at school, I offer you the simplest advice. Write the main definitions and terms on your non-dominant hand – wait, do you even know what that means? That is, if you’re right-handed, write the answers on your left hand. Even a real idiot could come up with that one. And no, fool, don’t wear your Sean John t-shirt expecting no one to notice the strange scribbles on your forearm. A good hoodie would do, just pull up the sleeves a bit when you need to see an answer. Try to keep your arm in your lap. Best of luck at staying at university. Tamara better be worth it.

Rebecca.

Dear Rebecca,

I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday and I have my sociology of relationships exam tomorrow. I keep reading over my notes but all I seem to do is over-analyze everything I could have done wrong. How can I get over him so I can do well on my exam?

In danger of failing,

Hung-up Heather.

Dear Hung-up Heather,

Firstly, you don’t need to tell me you don’t know what to do, that’s clear by the fact that you’re asking me for advice. Secondly, he broke up with you, why the hell are you wasting your time thinking about this douche. Understandably, sometimes us females get a bit emotional about stupid things like this, but it’s time to move on.

You’re also bound to face a world full of jokes from your friends because you a) took a course on the sociology of relationships and b) obviously didn’t take it too seriously. The good news is, this isn’t entirely your fault and I’m here to help.

Here’s the advice for real life. You need to think of everything you learned in that course and forget it ever entered your mind. That class should have a warning before each lecture saying ‘not applicable to real life’. Now I’ve never taken this class, or quite frankly heard of its existence but, I can bet a good amount of money they taught you about mate selection and so on and so forth. So in order to remember (key word) you’re going to have to completely avoid any part of the ‘anger’ stage you might be feeling (and rightfully so, breaking up right before an exam? Really? That’s almost as bad as before your birthday.) and focus on the memorable things that are going to help you pass this exam. At least you’ll get one good thing out of this guy. So remember those memorable things and apply them to the theories and paradigms and all that other great stuff sociology shoves down your throat. For example, if the mate selection theory does happen to come up, think of the way that you met this ex of yours and apply it to the theory that suits it best. This is why it’s key to avoid all anger when studying and while writing the exam. Just remember: this relationship-gone-bad can work to your advantage. On an even better note, when it’s all done you can release your anger by going outside and kicking down a garbage can.

Rebecca.

Dear Becca,

I’m an engineering T.A. at a university that will remain unnamed (because someone else could get into trouble) and I have a woman problem. One of my students, who is female, always leaves these somewhat, well, disgusting propositions in the footnotes of her work and in between her answers on her exams. She’ll even come to my office hours and close the door behind her. How do I get rid of her while I keep my job?

Touched T.A.

Okay Mr. T.A., Are you out of your mind. If some student is lusting after you, it’s likely because she’s trying to up her G.P.A. so stop flattering yourself by imagining you’re in a porno – cause you’re not. Now hold the phone here, you’re not a guy? Is this not every guy's fantasy. What the hell are you complaining about. It can't even be classified as sexual harrasment cause she's YOUR student and if you did try to take that kind of action, you'd look like an idiot and face a lifetime of student mockery. What you should do is write an inappropriate comment on her paper and let her respond. If she pursues you, why not run with it, it’s not forbidden or anything.

Living through other people’s lives,

Rebecca Modelo, Senior Infidelity Correspondent

Cartoons of the 90's

2008-04-17T20:09:00.009-04:00

The 90's were a great time to be a kid. No, really. Analyzing a few of the classic television programs aimed at a younger audience, one can see why. The following is a list of some of the greatest children's programs ever to come out of the decade before this one.

First, we start off with what I call the animated programs that were for kids, but really appealed to adults:

Spider-man: This show was fantastic. This was the first taste of the web-slinger that many of us had, and frankly, it was pretty accurate. It gave us the upside, the downside, the strange duality of man-side and the weird, psychological, trippy shit that children wouldn't necessarily need to know about. Bravo.

X-men: In the same super-heroically throbbing vein as Spider-man, this show brought the kind of seriousness to a classic series that children wouldn't be used to. Whether Cyclops was running around yelling "JEAN!" or Wolverine was slicing, dicing and calling everyone "bub", children enjoyed this show. Also, Mr. Sinister: Creepiest son of a bitch ever.

Batman The Animated Series: Despite the kind of changes that occurred to this show after the first season, it is still noteworthy. The dark tone that the producers brought to it was exactly what children needed to realize about The Dark Knight. Characters like The Mad Hatter, Two-Face and Clayface freaked us out, not to mention Kevin Conroy's masterful voice as Bruce Wayne/Batman--all of these things amazed us. Also, though it can't fit in the same category, Batman Beyond shared the same dark depth that its predecessor had. But that's for another list.

Gargoyles: Need I say more? A show that can combine the fantastical elements of the middle ages and the grittiness of New York? This program also managed to weave in Shakespearean elements and characters into the storyline. This was also the first time many children heard Keith David's voice, then years later realize that he was the Arbiter in Halo 2 and 3.

The next block of shows I give credit to are the Canadian ones. We came up with some good stuff:

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?: Filmed in Montreal, this was the only show about a bunch of kids who went into the woods that didn't have nauseating camera angles. It introduced us to the darker side of the stories we tell, and made us all wonder what weird dust "The Midnight Society" used to make the fire poof like that.

Beast Wars: Maybe not the greatest show in the world, but it certainly caught the attention of kids. A show about robots who transformed into animals? Who needs more? In addition to the cutting-edge (at the time) animation and top-notch voice acting (such as Scott McNeil's Dinobot/Rattrap/Silverbolt/Waspinator and David Kaye's brilliant Megatron...yes....), this show gave us action and excitement. (Ironically, the youtube link above is the title to one of the best episodes in the entire series, called "Transmutate".)

ReBoot: Who knew that this was what went on inside our computers? Hilarious, timely and referential, ReBoot was a Canadian show that showed us the wonderful world of guardians, viruses and a weird-ass character named Phong. They even had an X-files parody! Great show. Incoming game.

Student Bodies: We all watched it. It made us laugh. It cleverly incorporated animation and live-action. In terms of every teenage show out there, I think what we enjoyed about this one was that it had a smartness to it, and didn't mind showing us public displays of affection.

For the next block of shows, I have to give it up to the Japanese. At a time where the anime influx surged into our continent, we were graced with a few shows that weren't terrible:

Digimon: Fantastic. An adventure with kids and cool, transforming little monsters (some of whom had quite sassy dialogue) that actually had substance. Each and every character had their day and it ended the right way. And furthermore, don't start with this Tai and Sora bullcrap. We all know it was Matt and Sora, and that Gabumon was the badassest of them all.

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: Many people don't know that we actually took this show from across the seas. The action scenes for the original series were taken while the convincing "teenage" dialogue was filmed here. This show gave us multiculturalism, crazy live-action fighting instead of a lot of CG, not to mention the words "hyah-tsee-eyah!".

Escaflowne: Now, I know it technically came to us in the year 2000, but still. This was one of the best anime series revolving around fate and dragons. Such wonderful metaphoric imagery as well as amazing fight sequences and music. Amazing.

Noteworthy: Dragonball Z.

Finally, it's time to draw upon the great American cartoon classics of the 90's:

Tiny Toons and Animaniacs: It seemed that Warner Bros. had two great hits on their hands in the 90's. Helped out by the man himself, Steven Spielberg, these shows were smart, witty and constantly made references to classics that children would not have been exposed to. In addition to opening up the past, these shows paved the way for comedies such as Pinky and the Brain to make their own mark on children's lives.

Darkwing Duck: This may just be a personal favourite, but this show was one of many fun-filled yet wittily sarcastic Disney programs that appealed to a lot of children. Let's get dangerous.

And that's just a few of the many that The Not So Much News has dug up.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Guy Who Never Grew Up.

It's not really reality.

2008-04-16T19:59:00.005-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience lyke his totally not cool editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way.

And today it's about The Hills (pronounced Thuh ha-lz).

On my many adventures with my television remote, I have traversed the realm of reality. I have gone from great, insightful shows into the human condition to the drudgery of game shows. The one place I've avoided is that special type of reality program that appeals to the young female adolescent market.

But, for the sake of science, I forayed. And I forayed good.

I happened to chance upon the latest episode entitled "Girls Night Out". At first glance, it was fast-paced. The glitz and glamour of Los Angeles appeals to all human beings, let alone women named "Audrina". The glare off these characters' teeth is only matched by the polished headlights of a Rolls Royce Phantom, one luxury car among many that appear on the screen. The rolled eyes of these characters paralleling the rolling hills of LA. The vapid commentary...uh, similar to...um...look, I'm gonna be truthful--I have never heard shit like this before.

And I quote:

(The scene is at a club, during the "girls night out")
Character 1: "I realized I don't want to be in a relationship!"
Character 2: "That's the best EVER!"

Now, mind you, they were yelling because they were at a club, which explains the exclamation marks. But, the reason I call them character 1 and 2 is because they speak as if they came from the same barrel of blonde-haired, dim-witted fish. I don't doubt that if MTV wished to replace them, the hook requires no bait.

Another quote:

"They're taking shots? They're taking shots?! THEY'RE TAKING SHOTS!?"

Again, at the club, but three times? What the hell. Now, amidst this un-Aaron Sorkin dialogue, there's something I did find fascinating. For a show that claims the reality of girls in Los Angeles is to be airheads interested in fashion, the cinematography is mind-blowing! I'm not even joking here. Some of the shots were Michael Mann-esque and resembled 2004's "Collateral". However, this leads me to believe that much of the show is rigged. The shots were far too precise, giving actual emotion to emotionless dialogue and dead facial expressions.

I was right the first time. Despite the super-star cameo ability of Kirstie Alley during the runway scene, and the hilarious way they say the word "seriously" (surriouslah?!), this show will never draw me in. But who cares? It has millions of viewers in that all-too-powerful 12 to 34 demographic.

Leonard Fallson, Resident Vapidity Expert.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - April 13, 2008

2008-04-13T12:14:00.009-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, April 13, 2008. I apologize for the heavenly glow that surrounds me in this one. I guess it explains my holier-than-thou attitude that I have all the time. Enjoy!

Singlehandedly Solving Solitariness

2008-04-12T14:53:00.008-04:00

The Not So Much News is slightly obligated to present, Rebecca Modelo's tired view on life. Seriously, she forced me to let her write this. But I think it carries some validity. Anyhow, without further ado, here's Becky at her best.

There are two kinds of single women. The first is the “Let’s hook up with a lot of guys until we find someone worth staying with” kind of woman. To this day, I still don’t know what the term “hook up” means. Of course, I know what it means in the general sense, but how much action does “hook up” imply exactly? It’s very confusing. Regardless, I digress to the second kind of woman: “The work-till-I-drop, eats a lot between running around, comes home and passes out” type of single woman; also known as the “single-lifer”.

Maybe you assume from some of the statements above that I’m the latter of the two single categories…Bravo. Give yourself a gold star. I’m one of the few workaholic single women who are proved to be 96% more likely to end up dying alone after slipping on a carrot in her bachelor(ette) apartment and hitting her head on the corner of a table. Some people say that’s sad, but I say it’s authentic. There’s nothing like dying creatively.

Unfortunately, society doesn’t seem to agree, and everyone gets all conniption-like about having us single-lifers around, which is really an unfair discrimination. I don’t look at the “relationshippers” and pass judgment; I don’t look at them and say ‘Oh, it’s so sad that you need someone. How weak are you?’ and then proceed to yell out ‘Get a backbone!’ (Sidenote: This did happen once, but only when inebriated and walking down the street.) I also don’t give pity looks while saying “You’re in a relationship? Oh, that’s too bad.”

The pity looks are only the beginning of the problems I have as a single-lifer. First come the pity looks, and that’s soon followed by the guessing game; people trying to figure out why I’m single. They’ll say it’s because I’m too opinionated, or too busy and then just settle on the fact that it’s because I say words like “coolio” or “shiznat”. Just because I’m down with what’s up doesn’t define why I’m single.

But while the “others” are trying to figure out why I’ll be single for the rest of my life, I’m trying to figure out why they’d want to be in a relationship for the rest of their life. So I’ll sit in my apartment at night watching the five soap operas I recorded while I was at work, and think about how much I pity people in relationships; all that affection and talking and feelings. Ack. Why would people want to get themselves into that?

The word “relationship” itself should be a red flag. Break the word down and it’s obvious where that’s going to end up. It has the word “ship” to back up the “relation” part, and the reality is 70.1% of small ships sink. That's a fact. It may not be entirely accurate, but it's still a fact. Think about it: a relationship only has two people and that’s a pretty small ship, so that relation is sailing off to a far, far away land. I’m just saving myself from that emotional mess, which is why I have difficulty understanding why women fear being the single-lifer. Sure, it’d be nice to have someone feed my cat when I’m away or make me a meal so I don’t have to call the pizza guy (that I’m on a first name basis with), but aside from that, the relationship doesn’t have a great selling point.

But being a single-lifer…the perks are almost endless. I get an entire bed to myself, I get to wear my “snack pants” all the time, and I have a cat that occasionally licks me for the necessary affection (that apparently some philosopher guy says humans need). So I want to put to rest the idea that being single is a scary or pathetic notion. I’m living the high life on my king-sized bed, watching the TV show I want, eating Chinese food while the “relationshippers” are having arguments about the trivial things in life like marriage, children and their future. To that I say: enjoy all your responsibilities and burdens while I eat my ninth cookie for the night and bask in my well-earned single-dom.

Secretly looking for love...
(clears throat) I mean, Rebecca Modelo, Resident Dinner for One Correspondent.

The Rise and Fall of Dough

2008-04-10T21:48:00.010-04:00

The Not So Much News presents an exclusive expose into the life and times of a famous drug dealer. To protect the anonymity of the sources, their names have been omitted. The Not So Much News accepts any responsibility for any claim made. But this is the damning truth.

They call him El Jefe Masa.

His real name is something of a mystery. We all call him something much less fearful and intimidating: Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Despite being a shadow and a whisper in all our minds, he has always been there, delivering our society into the dregs of addiction and beastliness. He's white--whiter than white, actually--and with the two bluest eyes you have ever seen. But if you've seen them, chances are you've seen nothing else. Now, with his recent death swarming the world news media, few know the truth of Poppin' Fresh's life from day one.

And day one began in the streets of Miami.

As a young boy, fresh out of the oven in the October of 1965, he was destined for nothing. Born into a poor white-bread family, he found himself being raised by his grandparents (whom he lovingly referred to as GrandPopper and GrandMommer). His parents, addicts of over-the-counter medication, died when he was a baby. Despite his grandparents' concern for his education and safety, the young boy found himself rolling with a tough crowd of petty thieves and drug dealers.

Attracted to his child-like pudginess and piercing blue eyes, The Crescent Roll Gang found a great investment within the boy. Dealing primarily in small-time drugs (like marijuana) and robberies, the CRG saw great potential in him.

"He was tough," says a former gang member, "tougher than tough. I remember how he was initiated. We had barely seen this kid for a couple weeks, when our boss, Rudy Perez, wanted him to prove himself."

Perez, the charming leader of the CRG, started the operation out of his own kitchen. According to other members of the gang, Perez would visualize, through drug-induced daydreams, how the crime would happen and then carry it out.

"That day, he saw the death of somebody. Somebody close to him. He found out that his own brother was talking to the policia. Well, Perez wasn't going to stand for it. He wanted the kid to do it. To his own hermano!"

And he certainly did. Given the gun, the boy squeezed off rounds until the gun was empty. No hesitation in him. The way the gun popped back led to his nickname: Poppin' Fresh. Soon, word got out to all the local gangs that the CRG rolled with someone deadly. All the major deals started coming through.

"He was relentless," says Detective Lawrence Herrera of the Miami-Dade Police Department, "And the money came pouring in." As someone who followed Fresh from the very beginnings, Herrera had seen all the kinds of damage one man can do. "One day, he'd be moving eight ounces. The other day, he'd be raking in 16 grand for an even bigger shipment. It was tearing this city apart. I saw kids ruining their lives on the stuff. He never dealt in pills, thankfully, because he blamed the death of his parents on it. But the worst was when he moved up to the even sweeter stuff."

The only known picture released to the public of Poppin' Fresh. Courtesy of the Miami-Dade Police Department.

The sweeter stuff that Detective Herrera refers to is cocaine. Marketed (or rather, black-marketed) as Pillsbury--a not so subtle reminder of his parents. "Pills bury you", he'd say.
The coke was in high demand. Various codewords allowed him to slip past both the police, the FBI and the DEA. Words such as "brownies", "grands" and even "crescents" (an homage to his humble beginnings). He was rolling in money and women.

"He was crazy, man. Fucking crazy." says Mr. Black*, who claimed to have been Fresh's personal assistant. After a 12 year silence, Black broke the story after Fresh's death. "He wasn't just mad with power, he was mad with...madness! He would have the women constantly rub his stomach with pancakes. It was a strange sexual fetish. El Jefe Masa earned his name, man."

That power would soon come to an end. Despite the vicegrip he held over Miami, DEA agents got a tip-off that he would be making a huge transaction with some Cubans at a warehouse. The firefight that ensued would take his life. It took almost 40 agents, heavily armed, to arrest and detain everyone involved. Refusing to be taken alive, Fresh jumped into a boat and tried to escape. However, DEA agents unleashed a flurry of bullets upon it, causing a bloodbath that the administration has still suffered the consequences of.

Fortunately, with the death of Poppin' Fresh, Pillsbury was brought down once and for all. The addiction rates in Miami dipped significantly and the world was rid of one more peddler of poisons. But according to people like Detective Herrera, that's only until the next one comes along.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Senior Cartel Investigator.

Interesting Developments...

2008-04-09T23:06:00.004-04:00

So, as many of you know, The Not So Much News has tried to maintain a firm commitment to bringing you irrelevant nonsense that makes you smile and/or laugh on a regular basis. Well, we may be doing that in another way come September.

The NSM News is in talks to become a 15 - 20 minute satirical news show for Ryerson University's upcoming student-run public channel, RUtv. I recently had a pitch session that was very optimistic that it could be done. Furthermore, I have a wonderful team of partners and contributors that will try to bring the best of this blog to the small screen. Really small screen.

This is, in no way, suggesting that this blog will stop anytime soon! You will still get all the great content and ridiculous pieces that all five of you are used to reading. I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has contributed to this fledgling blog and who will help take it to the next level.

Expect a new article tomorrow.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Editor-in-Chief.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - April 6, 2008

2008-04-06T14:39:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, April 6, 2008. Sorry for how loud I yell the word "cop". Enjoy!

Colours Hold The Key

2008-04-05T17:47:00.020-04:00

In this corner, weighing in at an unhealthy 200 pounds, standing 5 foot 7 and in the undersized t-shirt and track pants...Jonathan Xavier Fahey!

And in this corner, weighing in at unchanging 300 pounds: A large rectangular video arcade machine with a metallic baseboard.

Welcome to the rumble of the ages. Today, 15-year-old Fahey will take on his opponent for the 67th time and try to go for his 45th win. The prize on the line: bragging rights.

"If I get in the zone early, and just let my feet do the work for me, I'll be set. But it's hard," Fahey forecasts, "I'm glad I didn't have those extra sandwiches or I might puke them out."

Beneath Fahey's worn sneakers, four arrows facing in all directions. Behind his thickly spectacled and acne-ridden face, his eyes are glazed over with the brightness of flashing lights. In front of his massive frame, a voice (in Japanese-affected English) asks: Wirr you-uh pray again!?

"Hell, yes!" Fahey shouts.

His hands reach into his track pants, and pull out coin after coin. Within seconds, the game is on. The ground rumbles as Fahey's feet furiously stomp the arrows in time with the screen, pounding away at the baseboard. The intensity and focus in his eyes aren't slowed by the sweat on his brow and his laboured breathing. After a few minutes, his small gray t-shirt is covered in perspiration and the veins in his head are bulging.

Finally, the machine announces: WINNAH! Fahey collapses in pure exhilaration. He has won this time, and his tear-filled eyes can close now. But even when he closes them, he sees it. The game. The colours. Flashing before his eyes and never stopping.

"You cannot even begin to grasp how common this occurrence is throughout the world," says Dr. Nolan Donaghy of the Oregon Biotechnology Integration Institute of Science, "and it's getting much bigger."

Donaghy is referring to a syndrome known as "Phantom Colour Barrage", a condition affecting gamers worldwide. The cause?

"Simple. Over-gaming. The amount of time people put into these colour-loaded games where they have to coincide buttons on a controller with the screen is horrendous. The games demand perfection and train the mind and body to react to these colours."

Donaghy's team at OBIIS have been putting their own painstaking hours into research on games such as Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero, Rock Band and even early predecessors like Amplitude, Frequency and Tetris.

"Isn't that fascinating? Even the earliest of games involved the contortions of colours on the screen." Despite all this research, they still haven't come up with a solution to many problems.

"It's hard to consider it a problem because these games are so damn popular," says Dashiell Fahey, Jonathan's father and a local drugstore owner in the town of Hangar, Oregon. "I make a pretty good living and I can get my little Jonathan any game he wants. But I didn't know it would do this to him."

Dashiell Fahey and his wife of 18 years, Maureen, see their son up at all hours of the night strumming away on his wireless guitar from the game Rock Band. It pains them to hear how Jonathan can't sleep because of the bright colours he sees inside his eyelids.

"At least the dancin' game is good exercise," believes Maureen, "I mean, so long as he don't hurt hiimself like them other children. But the other games...I think he gon' go blind soon!"

And she's not the only one worried. Japan has been reporting shocking numbers for years, stating how their adolescent and even pre-adolescent population seem to be "zombiefying" themselves with these games, training their feet and fingers to work at lightning speed. Over in Europe, clubs (ironically another form of flashing lights) are emptying for "Guitar Hero Raves" that are held in front of large screens in underground warehouses. Children all over the world are becoming prodigies of these colour-based games, but at what cost?

"It's in our blood," says Dr. Yolanda Parkingson of the Michigan Centre for Opthalmology, "and I mean that literally." Parkingson heads up a department of research called "Heliocentric Excitement", or Helix, for short. Her explanation of the light-based phenomenon is fascinating.

"Just take a look at the double helix. The way we choose to represent it, by showing each base pair in various colours, tells us a lot about how our mind works. Imagine we lay out the helix flat and then have it come towards us slowly...blows your mind doesn't it?"

Together with already established theories that music is the language of the body, Parkingson's team hopes to show the world that games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band are playing the "maps" to the human body.

However, fascination aside, it still won't help children like Jonathan Fahey. Only with training and curbing the time spent on these games can he overcome the effects of "Phantom Colour Barrage".

Rebecca Modelo, Senior Video Games Analyst and Optical Illusionist.

What's the story (about) Wishbone?

2008-04-03T16:38:00.020-04:00

Wishbone was a part of us all. But what happened to our favourite Jack Russell Terrier and his human companions? The Not So Much News investigates...

He was the first one to introduce many of us to the fanciful characters of Cyrano De Bergerac, Ivanhoe and Faust. He was the one to thrill us with the mysteries of "The Moonstone", "The Purloined Letter" and "A Scandal in Bohemia". He did all this on four paws and with a brown spot over his left eye.

We all remember Wishbone, the lovable dog with too many stories to tell. As most of our childhood television shows, it ran for an indeterminate length, starting on October 9th of 1995. And, as most of our childhood television shows, puberty struck harder than the hammer of Thor, inevitably causing the cancellation of yet another Emmy and Peabody-award winning gem.

As time went by, the literary-loving canine of the silver screen (brought to us by viewers like you) went the way of the dinosaurs--hiding in plain sight. Okay, maybe not the dinosaurs, but definitely like most child actors. While Joe, Sam, and David all scattered in their separate directions after the show's cancellation, their tail-wagging friend was no where to be found.

"I don't know where he is," says Joe Talbot, now a basketball coach at Oakdale High School, "And if I did, I'd tell him...that I miss him." Talbot has been on a straight path after the show's ending, not choosing the glamourous life of a normal PBS child star: drugs, sex orgies and cocaine. "It wasn't hard. I had someone special to keep me in check. I just wish I had my best friends."

Talbot refers to his widowed mother, Ellen. After the show, she translated her acting role as a librarian to an actual librarian position at the local library. Ellen and her son have lived in Oakdale for most of their lives after the show. Joe still remembers when they all lived there.

"Where our beloved Wishbone went, we don't know. He missed a lot in our lives after the show was over," Joe's mother recounts, "even Wanda and Bob's funeral." The Talbots still feel a surge of sadness when they think of their former neighbours, the Gilmore-Pruitts. Supposedly, Wanda suggested that her T.S. Eliot-loving husband should go "where the evening is spread out against the sky"--in other words, skydiving. Unfortunately, a poorly prepared parachute turned the two lovers into patients that no ether could help.

"Wishbone wasn't there for them, but David stuck around for a while," Joe remembers, "then he went Hollywood. And Sam...well, things didn't end well with her and I."

David Barnes tried his hand at acting in other shows, but as most child actors, found no help. Soon, he became hooked onto an old habit of his: computers. Except this time, it was to run a phishing scam that landed him on the FBI Top Ten list. Due to confidentiality, David Barnes can no longer be found in any records. Some suppose that he is now working for the FBI to develop an artificial intelligence risk chip, ironically codenamed The Wishbone.

As for Samantha "Sam" Kepler, the sweet yet attractive (and annoying half-love interest to Joe on the series) girl, she is currently working in L.A. as an actress/waiter.

"It's hard, but I had to leave Oakdale," says Sam, "After Wishbone left, there was nothing there for me. Except Joe, but he just had commitment issues. I couldn't take that." Kepler's relationship with Talbot ended after he refused to get married to her, on the count that too many stories he'd read ended bad for the married couple. "The only way I'd go back is if Wishbone were still alive. I really miss him. I think we all do."

So where is the dog of "literrierature"? Reports have claimed that he has been sighted around the continental United States, occasionally hanging outside of libraries and bookstores. Some even claim that he has helped them rekindle their love affair with reading.

Wherever he is, there are many who lie in wait for him. They want to know what he's dreaming up. Whether there's still that big imagination in that little pup. Here's hoping he wags another tale for Joe and the gang--and for us all.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Senior Celebrity Pet Psychologist

A New Wave of Suck

2008-04-02T22:59:00.011-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience like his indie-movie loving editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way.

And today it's about a bad movie that I really need to talk about.

It's called "A New Wave", written and directed by a guy named Jason Carvey, and I shit you not, it is the worst piece of garbage I have ever laid eyes upon.

Editor's request: Or you could be a bit more like a critic?

Yeah, I would act more like a reviewer if this were a movie like "There Will Be Blood" or even "Step Up 2: The Streets" (to a lesser extent). But this one was just god-awful.

To those who have never heard of this movie, there's a reason. Now, I'm not sure what the details were in terms of whether it came out on DVD or had a very limited release back in 2007, but I can tell you what the movie was "about".

The plot, if you could call it that, is about a tired bank clerk named Desmond (portrayed by the almost Hayden Christensen-like Andrew Keegan) who has a rich girlfriend named Julie (played by the Academy Award nominated Lacey Chabert) and a bunch of slacker friends named Gideon and Rupert (rounded out by Dean Edwards and John Krasinski). We'll get to the actors soon enough, but now back to the plot. So Desmond's tired of the teller life and wants to do what his heart desires: paint. Obviously, Julie supports him and wants him to do what he really wants to do with his life, regardless of how much money he makes. Because he really has talent. Note: He does not have any talent. Anyhow, a la Office Space, Gideon and Rupert (by the by, Rupert has an awful English accent) want to rob the bank he works at to get out of their crappy lives, using him as the inside man. He reluctantly agrees while trying to struggle with his inner emotionality and turmoil over his incredibly hot, rich girlfriend. Long story short, the heist goes wrong (But it seemed so perfect!) and through a very strange turn, Desmond dies.

Here's my issue with the movie.

Firstly: painful cliches. Not just the regular ones, but the painful ones. The ones that make you roll your eyes so hard that they're grazing retina. He's a bank clerk who's going out with a rich girlfriend whose jerkass father (naturally, he has to be) offers him a job because, surprise surprise: No rich father wants her daughter going out with a painter. Holy smoking revelation, Batman. And the cliches don't stop there. The characters reference classic heist films in an effort to make the script seem like it's researched and make the characters seem 3 dimensional. I didn't realize suck was a dimension.

Secondly, the weird shit that gets passed by as "independent". Let me tell you how the main character "dies". He gets shot. Then walks all the way home. Then falls onto a painting of his, that he spatters with his own blood. What the hell.

Thirdly, the bad acting. We're talking about characters pretending to have emotions that they don't know how to spell. The main leads of Keegan and Chabert have as much chemistry as a grade-school volcano project. Now, it seems like I'm being unfair. It surely couldn't have been that bad. It was, but the only saving grace in terms of performance was that of John Krasinski's. Hanging around Steve Carell and being a hilarious guy himself gives him impeccable timing and improvisational skills in this movie. But even he's subjected to some of the worst things that one can do to a character. Case in point: The character gets arrested at the end and writes a screenplay...that ends up being titled after the movie. Yes, they went there. And then to remove the cliche, they try to hide it behind the fact that he misspells it "A New Waive" instead of "A New Wave".

Jeez. I'm spent.

Leonard Fallson, Senior Crap Watching Columnist.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - March 30, 2008

2008-03-30T12:22:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, March 30, 2008. Enjoy.

P.S. - That is a new tie, thank you.

In The Shadow of Great Women: Elizabeth Zimmerman

2008-03-29T17:10:00.009-04:00

To end our celebrations of International Women's Month, Rebecca Modelo presents the final piece to the NSM News series: In the Shadow of Great Women. This week, a woman who was her own shadow...

If you’re a fashionista, knitter or German, and you actually knew who she was, you'd call her revolutionary. Chances are, if you’re not a knitter, you haven’t heard of her before. And also, if you watch/read The Not So Much News regularly and are German, chances are you’re not too happy with what Anand says about you people.

Editor’s Note: What? I don’t hate the Germans! They just do really hilarious things that I point and laugh at mockingly.

But that’s not the focus of this. Let us delve into a world where people speak in strange, suggestive yet pun-rich language and hold some of the darkest powers ever imagined.

Known as the godmother of craft in North America, the late Elizabeth Zimmerman was, and remains to be, a true master of knitting. But, like the other women profiled this month, there are dark secrets about her only a handful of people know about.

“Few people are aware of her experimentation with Kevlar and why it caused so many soldiers who thought they were invincible to die faster than the rest,” said World War II body armour expert, Henry Oliver.

During World War II, Zimmerman supported the troops by knitting them supposedly bullet-proof vests, using complicated knitting methods that resembled the making of chain mail back in the middle ages. She claimed they were made of Kevlar but now the names of the men who wore them can only be found engraved on walls, as their lives ended sooner than they should have.

With numerous books and even a television show on PBS, people began to see Zimmerman solely as a knitter, and rumours of her expediting the death of soldiers began to quiet down.

Zimmerman, a bit cantankerous (her own words, not mine), endured many struggles for the sake of knitting—like all Germans do. Here’s how ridiculous it gets. The style of “Continental” knitting, otherwise known as German knitting, was a once popular method. However, with the Allies’ need for homeland pride during and after World War II, more knitters opted for the English style of knitting to show their allegiance.

The decision to support the troops was made by the High Council of Knitters, an elusive shadowy group that is rumoured to keep an eye on all yarn shops everywhere. Zimmerman was known to be a defiant one in their eyes, despite being once a part of it. She was labeled, for a time, as under “alterknitive”, the Council’s mark for dangerous knitters.

“Her methods were a bit unusual for knitters. She made the craft out to be this easy thing anyone could do and not everyone appreciated that. Especially the High Council,” says Victoria Berkeley, a fiber expert from the Ontario College of Art and Design. “And it only got worse when [Zimmerman] tried to push continental knitting on us! I was scared I would be peeled by the Council!”

What’s peeling? You don’t want to know.

Zimmerman has introduced knitters to the idea of knitting-in-the-round – working with two needles connected by a cord to form tubes – as opposed to the usual knitting with two sticks to form flat bits of fabric. While this method may have been outwardly purposed for simplicity, the truth was far more dastardly.

“We knew exactly what she did with those cords,” says Julianne Bellamy, 91-year-old former editor of Woman’s Day, “Cocaine. That’s right. The mother of all knitting was a snorter. And what better place to hide it than in the cords. We didn’t want her knottyness to spread.”

After overcoming her addiction, Zimmerman went on to write her own books under Schoolhouse Press: Knitting Around (her guide to knitting items for sex), Knitters’ Almanac (her guide to where safe-houses for people working against the Council are), Knitting Workshop (her guide to making nice little cozies for your weapons) and Knitting Without Tears. The last book was just about knitting away from onions.

Despite hostility by some, many welcomed Zimmerman’s “E-Z” ways. She also used that nerdy side of her to create her own percentage system for sweaters so knitters could figure out how to make their shirts perfectly fit their body. Many self-professed “Zimmermaniacs” now use this percentage system for creating their own knits.

Jennifer Stafford, a designer for flattering knits, is a definite Zimmermaniac. She has taken what the woman has started to bold, sexual new levels. “When I design knitwear, I place each stitch precisely, aiming to design the sexiest thing imaginable,” she said in an interview with Village Voice.

Stafford, otherwise known as Domiknitrix, describes her experiences with knitting with words that might creep out the normal person who would talk about yarn.

“Fondling yarn is such a sensual experience, and twisting it rhythmically around a warm wooden needle can be positively entrancing. Completing an exciting knitting project is joyfully climactic too."

(On a side note, statistics by the Craft Council of North America report knitters as having the highest amount of sexual satisfaction of all crafters. Check out this knitted porn blog* if you don’t believe me.

*Warning: Content does actually contain mature subject matter. Viewer discretion is advised.)

So before you make a snide remark about that person on the subway knitting a sweater, be aware that Zimmerman’s influence lingers in many hidden followers – and yes, you do have to watch out for them, as they are armed with pointy sticks and stashes of rope and cord.

Rebecca Modelo, Resident Arts and Craft, but mostly craft, expert.

Brian Coulton on....Transsexuals.

2008-03-27T09:55:00.018-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to present its latest contributor, Brian Coulton. Fascinated by the idea of International Women's Month, Brian felt the need to speak out about it. So, as a super special awesome special report, NSM News gives you: Tremendous Trannies of the Time.

Charles Darwin empirically professed, "It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."

Winston Churchill diplomatically proclaimed, "There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction."

Mahatma Gandhi benevolently declared, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Of course these great men of science, politics and peace were all talking about the greatest change any individual can make in their life: a sex change.

It is only fitting that, in commemorating International Women's Month, we take time to acknowledge today's modern female heroes. That is, the brilliant and ball-less beauties who have sacrificed their manhood to fulfill the more feminine role than any naturally born woman could ever inhabit: the tranny.

So, it is without further ado that we toast these five lesser-known trannies who have so convincingly passed themselves off as the fairer sex that most don't even know of their boy births.

1. Nancy Grace

Birth Name: Nathan Grace

Ms. Grace was a “victuuuum” of testosterone until age 23 when, while studying law at New York University, she decided to go to the gynecologist to trade in her gavel. This allowed her to sleep with Court TV's CEO who, entranced by her masculine southern drawl, offered her a show on the law channel. Her fiery wit and complete disregard for anything anyone said turned on Ted Turner who, in turn, invited her to CNN Headline News to anchor her own program. Today, Ms. Grace lives happily tormenting Elizabeth Smart or being a real girl and convincing Anderson Cooper to find his "Andrea" within.

2. Sarah Jessica Parker

Birth Name: Sean John Parker

That's right. Everyone's favourite Sex In The City star was the muse who inspired P. Diddy's popular urban wear line, Sean John. While growing up as a poor black man in Yonkers, New York, Ms. Parker knew the only way to earn some money for her mother Donalaqueeshah J. and her twelve siblings was to get out tha hood. She had already been shot twenty-four times (eat that Fiddy) but luckily only retained one visible scar, below her lower lip. When the role of Carrie Bradshaw came up, Ms. Parker knew it was her opportunity to escape so she retired her "gun" and became the fashionista we all know and love today. When she's not making cameos as Tim Gunn's tranny lover on Project Runway, she is focusing on her design line, Bitten, an invented amalgamation that stands for "a bit of estrogen".

3. Tyra Banks

Birth Name: Tyrone Banks

Vaseline made it's debut in Ms. Banks' life long before she seizured over the beauty product on a recent episode of The Tyra Banks Show. She is actually the lovechild of runway diva extraordinaire, Miss J and super model, Iman. While young, Ms. Banks' father would force her to practice her walk in front of the other boys at school and her mother would scrutinize her clothing every day before she went to school. The pressure became too much when her mother divorced Miss J to marry David Bowie, who inflicted on Tyra the sexually ambiguous Ziggy Stardust track, continuously for eleven weeks. Half confused as hell about her sexuality and half horrified by her beauty-obsessed parents and step-father, she became Tyra. Now, she knows more than anyone who has ever existed about everything to do with what it takes to be a top model. And she'll let you know it. It's all she talks about. I'm kind of scared of her. But at least I'm still in the running to become America's Next Top Model.

4. Rosie O'Donnell

Birth Name: Lance Anderson

Long before Rosie was going gay for Tom Cruise on her self-titled talk show and bumping heads with conservative cutie, Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View, Ms. O'Donnell worked in the shadow of her brother, Louis Anderson, famous for being fat and hosting The Family Feud. Not to be overshadowed or out-eaten, Ms. O'Donnell decided the only way to become more famous than her less than hilarious and equally unappealing brother was to become his female equivalent. So, she traded in her testicles for koosh balls and tried to hammer home her womanliness by starring in A League of Their Own, the story of an all girl's baseball team. She kicked the gender but not the sex, as she continued to have female fornication tendencies. However, having hammered her television career into the ground, she now lunches with Louis regularly while impersonating Donald Trump. Louis does not laugh.

5. Paula Abdul

Birth Name: Roger Voudouris

Straight up now, Ms. Abdul did not have her first hit record with Forever Your Girl in 1988 as most believe. Her first claim to fame was as Roger Voudouris with the Billboard-topping single, Get Used To It. The song was about her attempt at convincing herself and other pre-op trannies to swallow their pride and accept their male origins. But realizing her timeless talent, the "Opposites Attract" songstress reinvented herself as Paula Abdul, decades before claiming the sole female judging role on the inaugural season of American Idol. She now spends most of her days drunk, crying because she is not drunk, or drunk on the tears of wannabe teen idols, emotionally stirred when they receive Abdul's inspirational input, even if they butcher every note and forget the words.

(N.B. Roger Voudouris conveniently "died" in 2003)

Brian Coulton, Senior Sexual Correspondent and Love Doctor.

Blaxploitation....2000!

2008-03-26T16:07:00.021-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience like his honky-ass editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way.

And today, it's about modern day blaxploitation.

Poster for the movie Blacula (1972).

Editor's Note: Some language may offend some readers.

Yeah, I'm supposedly a film AND politics columnist, but NSM News has had me writing about politics all the time. Screw it, time to talk about something that's near and dear to my heart.

What do 80’s fashion, Paul McCartney’s music and blaxploitation have in common? They were all better the first time around.

Blaxploitation, for those of you who grew up in small towns without any independent video stores, was a genre of movies produced in 1970’s America. They were often set in the “ghetto” and revolved around pimps, drug dealers, afros and large, pimped out American sedans, known as “donks”. The good guys are always black, and the white characters (invariably called “honky”, or “cracker”) are usually corrupt politicians, cops and the like. As the genre evolved, blaxploitation films began to embrace martial arts (Black Belt Jones, Billy Jack), slavery (Blacksnake) and even Westerns (Boss Nigger). The soundtrack will always, without exception, be funk and/or soul music, and some great songs have come out of these movies: “Superfly” by Curtis Mayfield, “Shaft” by Isaac Hayes and my personal favorite, “Across 110^th Street” by Bobby Womack.

Of course, groups like the NAACP and white liberals who gentrified black neighborhoods and drove out black residents got in a tizzy and began protesting, and the genre died, forever damaging the careers of Richard Roundtree and Melvin Van Peebles. With the rise of the black middle class during the 1980s and 1990s, new forms of blaxploitation emerged in various forms, all of which lacked the irony and authenticity that made their original counterparts so appealing to audiences of all colours.

The most widely known example of the new blaxploitation genre is the “triumph over adversity through dance” movie. The way these films are structured is a bit like the game Mad Libs:

An African-American female lead of light complexion who has to get into (insert prestigious Ivy League school here). Unfortunately, she cannot afford it because she (insert familial obligation here) after her (insert relative here) died. So she enters a (insert popular dance style) contest that has a (insert absurdly large sum of money here) dollar prize, enabling her to go to college and avoid having (insert number) kids whose names carry the prefix “Ja” while being addicted to prescription cough syrup. competition and wins.

Recent titles include “Step Up 2: The Streets” and “How She Move”. Note that “Save The Last Dance” does not count, because brothers can’t get enough of that mediocre white girl. Also, most of the critics who actually like these films either call them "a good family sex-romp" or pretend to find hidden social commentary.

A recent innovator in the blaxploitation field is Tyler Perry. Perry’s films are much more light-hearted fare, and usually revolve around middle-class Black families, which are often ignored by Hollywood, because let’s face it, the general (white) public doesn’t want to see them on screen. They work with, go to school with and hang out with well-to-do Black folks. Why not give them something authentic, raw, ghetto to titillate them?

And thus we come full circle to the Wayans Brothers. I’ll just leave this picture with you all, because words cannot do this movie justice:

Suffice it to say, if you ever mention this movie in the company of a black person, it cannot possibly end well. Thankfully, American Gangster seems to be reviving the 1970’s style of blaxploitation films, with lots of soul music, black-on-black crime and morally corrupt white cops. Just what the world needs now that The Hills is starting up again.

Leonard Fallson, A Big Wheel at the Cracker Factory, so to speak.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - March 23, 2008

2008-03-23T15:43:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for March 23, 2008. I'd just like to point out that set-up took an hour and a half longer this time because of all the things I tried out. This may be my new set up, though when I'm pressed for time, I may go back to my previous one. Hope you all like it, enjoy!